Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

Went to the Newrologist today. He was putting me through the heel-to-toe tests, and asked me,“Go to that back wall and walk toward me on your heels.”As I got close to him he said, “Go back and do it on your toes.”I teetered on my heels a moment. I heard Paul McCartney belt “No one…

I treated myself to a three-hour superiority feast this evening. A&Es Hoarders, followed by an hour of Hoarders. Topped off by a little treat. Hoarders. I am not a hoarder. I just cleaned out the refrigerator at Mom’s, for example. I know, she’s been dead for a year and a half now. Shut up! A…

My neuropsychiatrist appointment was at 2:00 today. Usually I listen to Get in Line on the way there; this time I forgot. This is what we call foreshadowing. Saint Johns MERCY! Medical Center is undergoing renovations, so I had to come in the back way. And so, it was a hunt to find my usual…

This coming week it will have been one month since the last holy visitation by our Lady of the Labia and her miraculous stigmata of the Cooter. Will my crotch weep tears of blood every four weeks? It is a little like Mary appearing every month to the children at Fatima. We shall see. Given…

Today, I met a new doctor. A new doctor to do an old test: standard neuro exam for the clinical trial. Touch my nose, touch your nose, grab my fingers, walk in a straight line. Two things stood out: 1) To measure my level of spasticity, the doctor manipulated my wrists, ankles, and knees. “Not…

The doctor now says I do not have a bladder infection. They were wrong. ============================= Clarification: I don’t have anything else taking its place, either. Oh, and I don’t have Herpes, thanks for that test. Essentially I have a constant low fever and labia that swell, seep blood, and then settle down again. Of course,…

Today’s stupidity is brought to you by the letters “L” and “N”. (That joke never works unless you say it out loud. I’m “LNSku-mid-it” on Twitter, and if you found me on Twitter I’m sorry, I suck. And I am stupid.) I’m going to be specific and honest (no!) and, without going to Wikipedia, I’m…

Safety Look at this fine tshirt I saw here: Health 1 Awwww man. I went to the three-month Day of the Doctors today and mentioned I had only two visits left before I go on the extension phase of the trial. “Yes!” the nurse said, “And then it all starts over again!” IT ALL STARTS…

Yesterday was the first ever World MS Day. Did anyone say, “Hey, Ellen, Happy World MS Day?” No. Here is how World MS Day turned out for me: 1) No one gave me anything, in fact I spent most of the day trying to figure out who stole all the money in my wallet. Turns…

You are on Dr. House’s team. Patient: Ellen S_______ presents as an overweight Caucasian white female complaining of: diarrhea nausea vomiting One of you (probably the bi-sexual one, you know who you are), asks: “Swine flu? Does she have a cough?” Patient wheezes, “I coughed once today at a big meeting, and it was so…