Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

The kidney stones may be coming for me. Recently my right kidney area hurt before bed and I woke up to some pink in my panties (she said, daintily). The physical urine sample showed no blood but did show some microscopic red blood cells. I went in for a retest three days later and the…

Look at this nonsense from my yearly physical! My physical report still says I have Class I Obesity! I mean, sure, my obesity is First Class (ONLY THE BEST OBESITY FOR MOI) but still. According to their own page it says the lowest BMI for First Class Obesity is 32. I’ve read other things that…

When my neurologist asks me if I’ve fallen in the last six months, and I say yes, and he says, “What were you doing,”I say “Gardening,” because I often fall while I’m gardening. I’m tired, the ground is uneven, and I’m often too hot. Gary’s never around, so it isn’t a crisis, and frankly, I…

In the past, I have made lists of things I want to accomplish over the weekend or vacation. I actually finish 50% of them. These last few months I haven’t even made lists. I’ve been in my room, reading, watching mindless things on YouTube, but mostly too tired to do anything but stare at the…

I love knowing how drugs work. For example, MS eats myelin, the outer layer of your nerves, so one of my MS meds was a syringe of decoy myelin. I mean, I have no idea how they made it, maybe it was hamster myelin, but whatever. I know the general plan of attack. This Modafinil/Provigil…

We cut my MS medication in half a few months ago because my immune system was plummeting. It held steady at 0.20 for … what … almost 20 years on the immunosuppressants? And then 0.18, 0.16 … and you can’t have that. So with that medication tweak, the house of cards started slipping and an…

About four hours ago I threw out my arm. I’ve thrown out my back plenty of times. You know that your back is out because without warning some muscle springs out of place, sudden pain, and now your legs don’t work. Well, I was typing away, and then suddenly I sprang a muscle, awful pain,…

At work there is a set of moderately heavy doors outside the parking garage. I routinely have to up my stride because someone is holding the door for me, and thus I have to hustle, because I am weak and lame, and such is the social contract: make the lame run. Recently a woman saw…

It’s been a month since this dust bunny cobweb floater showed up in my right eye. After my first visit to the ophthalmologist (a month ago) I was told to take it easy (for a month) and come back (in a month). In four days the flashing was gone, so I thought in another week…

Here I am, clocking my six-month visit with the neurologist Gary and I share. I’ve been communicating with the doctor’s office on my husband’s behalf to straighten out some dosing confusion brought on by Gary’s exponential math. I also spent a little time discussing Gary’s rash and joked that I might just switch him to…