Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

I get dibs on a Clone Soldier: https://www.rutgers.edu/news/stem-cells-amniotic-fluid-rutgers-expert

Doctors are mean. They are tag-teaming me and playing mind games. I have to start with an update. I’ve gained back half of what I lost on the (almost) year-long Jenny The Bitch Whore Craig diet. The good news is that I didn’t lose that much, so I’ve only gained back about seven pounds. So,…

Often, I put one song on repeat so it etches itself into my brain. I can then sing lustily and loudly in the car and be assured I won’t mangle the words, at any rate. Thursday’s song for the day? Get in Line. And can you think of a better song to belt in the…

What struck me as I had my six-month checkup with the neurologist is how well we communicate. In particular, we have a fine non-verbal communication. I am always called on the carpet for my pointed non-verbals. In my first job my boss pulled me aside to suggest I stop being so rude to Maria. “But…

Tomorrow when I have my 6-month checkup with the neurologist, he will ask if I have had any MS symptoms. I will have to tell him Marcia has been counting every time I choke at work (and thank you, Marcia). (I need a ‘sincere’ emoticon so people know when I’m not being sarcastic.) Oh, and…

I thought this regression into adolescence was going to stop, but now it appears I’m no longer fourteen; I am ten. I was sitting with Gary, watching a duo play drums and electric guitar on tv. “Hey,” I said, “I could learn to play the guitar. You could play the drums, and I could play…

When you get MS, you prepare yourself for the typical MS symptoms. Not that I’m disappointed, but I’ve had MS for almost ten years now and there has been no disability. (And I’m all prepared!) Instead, I am plagued by the quirky little aberrations that occur when one loses chunks of ones brain to ones…

God is again punishing me for having sex with my husband. I have yet another bladder infection. As I am a virtuous patient, I trundled off to the doctor to get a culture and antibiotics. I have the sterilizing/wiping/urinating process down cold now: a result of the dozens of UTIs and the dozens of peeing…

I checked in the hospital for the IV steroid treatment a week ago. When a bed opened up, and I toted my stuff up to the room and was disconcerted to see that they had not cleared the corpse out of the other bed. The feet were stuck out at odd angles and a sheet…

At one point in the year after I was diagnosed as (ha) bi-polar, I began having my strange thoughts that all my friends hated me, and if people didn’t say goodbye with the right expression on their faces I would cry all the way home. If Marcia said hi to Libby before she said hi…