Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

You are on Dr. House’s team. Patient: Ellen S_______ presents as an overweight Caucasian white female complaining of: diarrhea nausea vomiting One of you (probably the bi-sexual one, you know who you are), asks: “Swine flu? Does she have a cough?” Patient wheezes, “I coughed once today at a big meeting, and it was so…

The bright spot of my day? I was watching Mystery Diagnosis and I totally called it. I knew the patient had hemochromatosis the minute the guy got a winter tan. I did a little couch dance when the doctor made his big reveal. “Wooo! Hemochromatosis! I win!” Of course, the Big H runs in Gary’s…

I had a fun-filled day of tests for the clinical trial last Friday. The current blood tests showed that my white blood cells are low. Normal is 4,000 – 11,000; I’m at 1,800; 1,200 gets you dropped from the trial. Soooooo … looks like the “placebo” is working a little too well. Actually, I don’t…

We had a late start Saturday driving to Louisville for the concert. (We had to make a sudden visit to the vet for the dog’s bordatella shot before we could pop Mac into his luxury cabana). I enjoyed the five hour drive, but I found I noticed every dead patch of grass along the highway.…

Things I have attracted today: Presidential candidates. Well one, anyway. Barack Obama (‘Rack, I call him) was at Big Barnes the same time I was this morning. Barnes Hospital is now endorsed by two in seven Presidential candidates, and mysteriously I was there on both occasions. This means I spend way too much time at…

One question neurologists ask when you come in to report an exacerbation is, “Have you had any stressful events recently?” I used to think, “Who wants to know? Not your business.” Twenty years ago I would have been the first to roll my eyes at the thought that stress could influence your immune system. But…

Back in ’94, five days after my elective insurance started (victorious smug snort of self-satisfaction) I woke up and my feet were asleep. Oh, and I felt like my guts were super-glued together. “Like a tight band is around your torso?” asked the neurologist I saw seven days after the insurance started. “Why, yes, it…

Well, Monday morning is the next time I meet with the clinical trial people. I’ve written out all my “side effects” from the “placebo,” and with the exception of the one I have hinted at in the vaguest terms here, I don’t have much to offer. I’m sure I can contribute weight gain to the…

I heard that a speaker at a medical school orientation once said, “Are you here to cure cancer? Stop looking for a cure. Look for better treatments, not a cure, because you will almost never cure anyone of anything in your entire medical career.” Well, I have been cured. I have not felt well of…