Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

I’ve been dizzy. It’s one of the reasons I took off Thursday. Thursday was also Veterans Day, which was the reason the pizza delivery man thought I was taking off. “No,” I said, “I’m really dizzy.” “Like when you lie down or get up?” he asked. “Yes!” “I’ve had that too lately.” Now, I’m not…

The Paris trip has made me feel old beyond my years. We met an elderly Italian lady who did not speak English OR French but who wanted to find the Metro. She outpaced me. At one point she turned around to see why I had fallen behind her and I said, “fatigué.” Gary and I…

So, I did indeed contact my clinical trial nurse with my liver numbers (AST-52, ALT-109). She was unconcerned.”The FTY720 does elevate your liver numbers, that’s why they’re a little high. Last time the ALT was 149.” Of course, I sent that new data RIGHT off to the doctor and I am now off the hook…

Time: Last Week Scene: A swimming pool with a domed deep pink roof and curved deep pink walls. Welcome to my bladder. Swimming in my bladder are some E-Coli bacteria and “innumerable” white blood cells. One E-Coli says to another, “Do I know you?” “Perhaps. Are you from the Old Country?” “Belarus? No. You?” “Oh,…

The punishments of Tantalus in Hades were: 1) To stand chin-deep in water, which would drain away when he tried to drink. 2) To have a rock suspended over his head, and 3) To have grapes and fruit overhead, but if he tried to reach for it, it would be lifted up by the wind.…

“Hey, Ellen,” you ask with concern, “You were out in the 90+ heat and humidity on Friday and Saturday and then again last night. Aren’t you supposed to avoid the heat?” WHO do you THINK you ARE to talk – wait. Sorry about that. You’re right. I’m taking a sick day today, just like I…

So, a few weird things happened Friday (you know, back when we had the old, antiquated pre-reform health care) during the Day of the Doctors. First off, I saw the retina doctor for my clinical trial eye-checkup. “Have you had any eye disturbances?” he asked. If he had asked me 24 hours before, I could…

I. Smell. Bad. I smell like chemicals are leaching through my body fluids. The dog won’t even sleep with me. The chemicals are out of balance in every fluid system. Food is digested directly into a sugar slurry and then urped right back up. The brain fluid swishes and makes me dizzy. I slept from…

I was getting a lung test for the clinical trial, and the technician lady said, “It looks like you’re doing pretty well on this medication. You haven’t had any relapses.” “I think I’ve only had two relapses in fifteen years.” “What’s your secret?” I thought a moment. “I think I’m just not very in touch…

WSJ:Here’s my shout out in the Wall Street Journal: The maker of the clinical trial drug I’ve been testing (FTY720) is going to file for FDA approval. I think it takes 6 months to a year for the FDA to do the final evaluation and interviews and make the decision. And supposedly during that time…