Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

Children, back in the day there were these things called waterbeds. All I can imagine was that people grew fond of how it felt to sit on a beanbag chair, and they wanted a beanbag bed, but there wasn’t enough styrofoam. So we truly slept on top of big grey plastic balloons full of water.…

“Oh that’s a present for you!” Gary said, responding to my pantomime of, “What is this new nonsense from Amazon?” This was my present. “Stormtrooper biofeedback device?” I thought. He said, “It’s a lighted magnifier. It’s great! It lets you do fine detail work. Like for your oil painting.” For a moment I was charmed,…

Disclaimer: This post was reviewed and approved by Gary himself. Don’t feel any second-hand embarrassment on his behalf. I visit Instagram every five years, evidently, because no one takes photos of their children going to remedial summer school or their family arguing on vacation. But, Gary wanted to show me this Meta AI feature, so…

I can always count on Gary to let me know when food has gone bad, generally right after he staggers out of the bathroom. “THE YOGURT HAS TURNED,” he will intone. “I AM THROWING IT AWAY.” I don’t think this is the best way to find out the food is bad. I prefer to look…

The door rang. I was closest to the door, that’s the rule, so I opened it. (That’s Gary’s rule. Recently Gary complained about all the rules I set for him, and I snorted because Gary dictates so many rules that there is nothing left to codify.) The man on the porch handed me a pamphlet…

Today is Gary’s 70th birthday. I remember when I was first engaged to him, and Mom cautioned me that our eight-year age difference would come back to bite me at some point. “Oh, no,” I scoffed. “It sounds like a big age difference now, but when he’s 70 and I am 62 it won’t be…

I hate action movies. James Bond? Mission Impossible? Put me in one of those new comfy cinema seats and I am asleep at the first chase scene. Are you the same? Does your spouse think you are odd for requiring dialog, or plot progression? Well, enjoy your revenge when your spouse conks out an hour…

Gary recently shared a story I must have suppressed. I believe we were in our first year of marriage, perhaps even not even three months married, when Gary’s boss had a pool party. “We are going to this pool party,” Gary announced. “I cannot swim,” I said. “You don’t have to swim.” “I have no…

I know that you, as parents, are all so proud when your children graduate, or move out, or get married. Soon I too will have successfully taken my charge past a milestone as well. In less than a month, Gary will turn 70 years old. I raised him all the way to 70. Or, as…

The dust has resulted in a positive. Gary claims that the allergens and dust rain down upon him from the ceiling as he sleeps, so he, delicate princess that he is, has taken to wearing his long-sleeved business shirts to bed. You cannot imagine how sexy it is. Ladies, gentlemen, I strongly advise this look…