Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

Our twenty-year-old washer works fine. Our twenty-year-old dryer works fine. They don’t work perfectly: the washer makes noise and the dryer will not dry if you have a towel in it. Gary has decided we need a new washer and a new dryer. He did the research, analyzed, measured, compared, asked me if I wanted…

A Vignette. I had a lovely time watching Bugonia with Gary. Afterward, he said: ”Emma Stone lost a lot of weight for that movie.” I said, “Really? She looks the same as always.” ”Oh no. When she went to the award shows people were shocked at how thin she was.” Then, contemptuously, “Can’t you tell?”…

Seventy-two years old, and forty years married. I’ve always thought year four was the worst year of marriage. Is year forty ten times worse? Kinda. Yeah, kinda is. I’ve always known that one of our hurdles is how we deal with illness. He’s a baby, expects to be spoiled; I was raised by stoics, expect…

I was waiting for the Superbowl to begin, scrolling past old breaking news videos, as is my wont lately, and Gary came in and said, “Look at this breaking news from Branson, Missouri.” It was terrible. A landslide took out like five houses. “That’s awful,” I said. “But it’s Branson,” he answered. “Gary …are you…

Last Wednesday, the day I had the unexpected visit to the eye doctor, Gary had an issue with our new pharmacy refusing to fill his B-12 prescription. This led to an unfortunate conversation in which Gary almost simultaneously said both “STOP BEING A BABY ABOUT YOUR EYE” and “MOMMY TAKE CARE OF MY B-TWELF PWOBLEM…

Gary was looking at the news article about the astronaut team that will need to return to earth early because one of them is having medical issues. I wondered which one it was, Gary looked at me in disbelief, and said sarcastically, “I DON’T KNOW BUT DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT’S THE FAT ONE?” Gary,…

I don’t know what to tell you, but I find myself married to a completely different man these last few months. This new Gary vacuums compulsively, up to three times a day. Last week at five am I was awakened by the sound of a tambourine in the “library” room next door, because he was…

“YOU ARE NOT SEEING DRAIN FLIES IN YOUR ROOM,” Gary bellowed. “ALL THE DRAIN FLIES ARE DEAD.” “Well, no,” I said mildly. “NO WHAT YOU ARE SEEING ARE FUNGUS GNATS FROM THE POTTED PLANT IN YOUR ROOM.” “Well, no,” I again said mildly. “I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU.” Damn it. You can even see…

I spent a day in another of these tops with the built-in bra, and needed an honest opinion of the state of my bosom. Gary, who can always be counted on for an honest opinion, said, “They are sitting a bit lower than usual. But that’s fine. The Dakota sisters say women are wearing their…

The plumber arrived and seemed bent on saving Gary money, which of course goes against everything Gary stands for.