Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

“What are you writing in the novel now,” Gary asked. “Well, I don’t want to write chapter five, because it’s all in her head, so I’m going through and doing something else that is boring. I’m charting the days to make sure that the phases of the moon she describes are right.” “What?” I said,…

Gary does have a few annoying characteristics. When those characteristics begin to grate, I remind myself that what I love is what I hate. So when he’s exceptionally emotional, I remember his emotion is what makes him say “I love you.” (Pro Tip! This is a neat trick if you want to stay married almost…

Gary may have bailed on both his colonoscopy and his sleep study, but he did visit the dermatologist after his skin condition began to spontaneously bleed. I never know what actually goes on in these doctor’s appointments, because what the doctor says in Gary’s memory often gets mixed up with what Gary would have liked…

See, with Gary, the thing is that he has an odd interpretation of “due diligence.” To him, if someone else is installing our new mailbox, Gary’s due diligence is learning how to install a mailbox. Not to install it himself, mind, just to be sure that they’re doing it right, that they aren’t overcharging him,…

I have been having the worst arguments of my life with Gary on the topic of his health. This is the timeline of events. 1954. Gary was born. Born unto a family that fed sick children ice cream because that’s the reward for being sick. Mid 1980s. Gary wed me. In my family, sick children…

I don’t make medical appointments for my husband, because I wouldn’t want him doing the same to me. I drive him to appointments, but I stay out of the exam room, because he’s a tough guy around me, and I need him to be afraid sometimes. Currently, the tough guy who says, “I can take…

The Paris Olympics are bringing up fond memories for me of our visit to Paris. (See archives for Sept-Oct 2010) Gary loved Paris when he was there. Almost no complaints. Somehow, now that fourteen years have passed, he has worked up a comedy routine on how awful Paris was. According to him, the room had…

Gary, bless him, is generally not a jealous man. I take credit for part of that: early on in our marriage, when he would show a hint of jealousy, I would ask, “What part of me bellowing like a rhinoceros don’t you understand?” That did the trick, with a few exceptions. There was onetime, I…

I recently heard Gary bustling about in his closet. I came in to find this astonishing reorganization. Ninety percent black t-shirts. The man is retired. The two non-black shirts were just recently added back to the rotation because the others were deemed contaminated with construction particulate matter.

It was 3:45 in the morning, and Gary grumbled so loudly about the thermostat that it woke me up, and things degenerated after that. I think the argument got to the stage of, “Well, why am I storing the thermostat manual downstairs if you refuse to look at it / Oh you just know everything…