Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

I know, you’re sick of it, but I don’t know what to do. Gary will not shut up about the dust and the allergens. “Oh God, Gary, please just shut up about the dust. If it’s not the dust, it’s the allergens. Stop it.” “I CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT IN MY OWN HOUSE.”…

The construction work happened three and a half months ago, and Gary still suffers from his dust allergy. This morning I was watching One Day on Netflix, and — and I don’t think this is a spoiler — a woman complains to her husband about “the construction and the noise and the dust. ” [Emphasis:…

As you know, I’m always baffled when women say things like, “My husband didn’t want to work out in the yard this weekend, but I made him. ” How. How did you make him? Teach me. I will pay you money. Because I can’t get Gary to do anything. In my marriage, arguing doesn’t work.…

This past weekend I discovered Gary has kept a secret from me for almost forty years. When Gary was young, he went through a fallow period regarding women. No dates, no interests, but in his late twenties he got a better job, better self-image, and made up for lost time. He joined a singles group…

Gary has been eating this non-stop since last fall. He snacks on this all day. Except for the sunflower seeds. He stands against the sunflower seeds. He leaves those in the bag for me. And I did not avoid them, because I like sunflower seeds. And then he stood against the almonds, and I said…

Yesterday was a long day at work. The healthy staff were summoned back to the office, so I spent the day on Zoom, watching as old friends in the office had reunion dance parties in the background. (And all the time I knew that if I had sighed about it a working committee would be…

Yesterday people came and cleaned out the air ducts. Vast moonscapes of dust were cleaned out. They recommended we run the air for a while, with nothing blocking the air vents, so any remaining dust could be trapped by the HVAC filter. Gary could only take it about twenty minutes. Then, hacking, he blocked the…

Gary was particularly difficult yesterday. He would not swerve from the topic of the particulate matter the recent construction left behind. He claimed that all mitigation attempts just kick up more of the dread gypsum dust. I begged him to change the subject. He changed to politics, the other topic he wont let go, then…

See all the boxes? That’s all the stuff Gary has bought in the last two weeks to try to resolve the drywall dust. He doesn’t have asthma or any lung condition. I see now why people just buy new houses.

In the last few weeks Gary has interrupted me three times while I am actively on work calls, twice while I was the one TALKING. I thought he was just being needy, because the last two times times he said things like, “You never want to talk to me, you’re always in here working,” and…