Category: In Which We Mock Our Illness

I’ve always rolled my eyes at the placebo effect. “Ha,” I sneered in That Tone I Have, “These suggestible people who believe vitamins and aromatherapy will benefit them. Please.” Well. Rub my nose in my stupidity. I’ve been without any beneficial MS medication for six months now and I would love me some placebo. Placebos…

So I was a little disgusted to hear I have been too well to be in the clinical trial for FTY720. In fact, I had a neuro appointment last week and I strongly considered faking a limp, just to spite them. I thought this in particular last week when I had this IM conversation with…

Well, I am probably not going to be in the clinical trial. I am bummed. (I coulda been a Spartacus, instead of bummed, which is what I am.) It seems I am too well. I haven’t heard the official “No thank you,” but it doesn’t look good. Pout. I realize I should be happy I…

After I had the bad Copaxone reaction, my doctor said he’d see if there were any other options. We’d tried the interferon therapy (I developed antibodies) and the Copaxone treatment (turned blue) and the Tysrabi therapy was for more serious MS cases. So he called back a few days later and left a message saying…

When I was 11 or so, a friend asked, “What’s wrong with your Mom’s hand?” “Nothing, ” I said. Still, this crazy girl kept insisting something was wrong with Mom’s hand. I guessed that maybe it was dirty? No. Eventually she said, frustrated, “It isn’t the same as the other one.” “Oh, that!” I exclaimed,…

Preface: Here is a conversation I had earlier with some “friends.” Specifically, Friend #2 (Libby, aka Hot Mom), Friend #3 (Marcia, aka Marcia Cohen), and Friend #4 (Caroline aka Carolyn). I’m not calling them by their assigned Friend numbers, I’m calling them by their given names in this transcript. I transcribe, you decide. Marcia: “Ellen,…

I got a phone message from the neurologist last night. “Mrs. S______, I’d like to discuss the result of your interferon neutralizing antibody test with you. I’ll call back Saturday or Monday.” On the one hand, we all know this is not the right message. The right message is “I’ve reviewed your test and everything…

As of today I have started with a new insurance company. This means my drugs will now be $150 a month instead of $400. Gary can go back to tipping five dollars for a seven dollar plate of food. As my parting shot to the evil former insurance company, I went to the neurologist on…

I came home Friday to a voice mail message from my doctor. “Ellen, I wanted to give you the results of your MRI -“ He went on to say that in a side-by-side comparison with the last MRI I had three years ago, I only have one additional lesion. (A brain scab, to the rest…

I actually got my MRI tonight (at seven POST meridian, thank you) and I am sure it will now sit on the doctor’s desk while he takes a month-long vacation. Seriously, his vacation starts Friday. As I slid into the machine, I thought two things: “MY GOD how fat am I? I don’t remember my…