Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

The Christmas work party was at the zoo this year, at night, in the cold. The zoo celebrates the holidays by putting out quite a display of lights, and it leaves some exhibits open (like the penguins and seals) and they keep the other exhibits closed. There were no lines. No crowds. Five other people…

The tab-top living room curtains were stretched and dated, the curtains in Gary’s bedroom tore, and after thirty years the linen curtains in the kitchen disintegrated like a vampire in the sun. I feel like the young version of me would have bought three new sets of curtains. Well, six new sets, because I would…

I was wondering. Do Love langauges correspond to Hate languages? Like, if I love someone they can touch me, but if I hate them — well, even if I don’t like them — it makes my skin crawl. I suppose I can picture the inverse of Quality Time. Talk about crawling, the minutes crawl by…

Okay, I’ve finished that gaping hole of a middle chapter that only read ‘Build tension” and now that the plot is straightened out I am back to the fun stuff. Shift non-vital descriptions and exposition out of chapter one, shift all the post-resolution details I can to the last chapter. Make a pass to emphasize…

The country western star wig has not been cooperating recently. It has developed kind of a 1970s vibe, and the nice curls that stayed above my eyebrow are all dangling down in front of my eyelashes. All the curls were stretched and wonky. Ends: ratty and tangled. “This is it for you, wig,” I said.…

For the halloween party at work I told people I had worked really hard to pack on forty pounds, put on a wig, and develop wrinkles, and I came as a grandma.

I did a lot of work on the novel over the weekend. I would say three of the seven chapters need major transitions to incorporate new text, plus one chapter needs to be created out of whole cloth. What this means is that most of it is polished, and parts are back to the shitty…

When the expensive cookies arrived, Gary would only eat the oatmeal ones, because they were “healthy.” I decided to make him oatmeal cookies, and I turned to the America’s Test Kitchen cookbook because only the most scientifically validated cookies could show my love. There I found Chocolate-chunk Oatmeal Cookies with Pecans and Dried Cherries, and…

That title. That title is in sentence case. This is because the writing style at work has been adjusted so that all titles will be in sentence case. It seems putting titles in title case is “old-fashioned.” I immediately thought I should write an email in which every Sentence Was In Title Case, But I…

I think I’ve been to about thirty Barenaked Ladies concerts, in a variety of states and countries, and now they are playing sixteen miles from my house, and … I’m not going. It’s just not going to happen. Gary absolutely cannot go. He can barely stand with a cane with everything this allergy is taking…