Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

Well, opera season begins in about a week, with Die Fledermaus, the first opera I saw with Mom …. … and I should just leave that sentence right there. It isn’t honest, though. It makes it sound as if Mom and I went swanning to the opera every week, when actually, it’s more accurate to…

When I was in junior high I filled my head with daydreams: impossible fantasies about fame and love and wealth and discovering I had been switched at birth away from my real family who were people who could have civil conversations with each other. I remember one of many quiet car trips with just my…

I have had enough of being home-bound, getting things for Gary, turning on fans, driving to appointments. So today I bolted. I said I was going to Walgreens to pick up a prescription for him, but I was going another place first, so it might take a few hours. I made it sound like an…

There is a show called Man vs Food, and it is devoted to following a host who signs up for eating challenges. Quite often those challenges follow the format of “Eat [X amount of food] in [Y amount of time] without [throwing up / leaving the table / dying].” The host would generally put an…

I went to a party yesterday at Friend #2’s home. The theme was Mexican. They served carnitas, also known as pork deep fried in lard. The suggestion of trefe cooked in a bubbling vat of trefe caused Friend #3 to bring the matzoh ball soup of her people as her Mexican dish. I wanted to…

We watched a few episodes of Your Friends & Neighbors (the new series with Jon Hamm) and now I have a new pet peeve. Theee times in the pilot — if not more — they show Jon Hamm watching black and white movies. Vaguely familiar movie with vaguely memorable dialogue. The only reference I caught…

Even though someone else does our taxes, it takes me an afternoon to assemble all the information, and even then the adorable tax lady has to call me and ask for whatever page I mislaid or form I forgot, because it’s a new form, just for this year. Finally, after years of this, I have…

The weight loss sites tell you that when you’re on this drug, you should only weigh yourself once a month. “Don’t weigh yourself once a day” they cry. I’m not weighing myself once a day. I’m weighing myself multiple times a day. I weigh myself before bed, and when I wake up, I’m half a…

[Today’s 503 error was brought to you by the new server farm hosting the blog. That was the previous reason from a few months back as well.] This is a close-up view of my face. Inside the green lines are a new constellation which I call the semi-circulus,which is Latin for semi-circle. “What is that?”…

The good: 8 pounds down, better sleep numbers, better respiratory rate. The bad: One night I woke up nauseated and belched so long and loud it woke Gary up and as it continued he cried out “IS THERE A BEAR IN THE HOUSE?” It is possible that the scale reads low just because I have…