Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Category: In Which We Mock Our In-Laws

  • You Are What You Eat: Updated

    Well, it was a weekend of surprises, odd food, and new relationships. I really wish Miss Manners put out an etiquette book on Muslim weddings, because I should have studied up. But right now, I am going to sleep. I think I’ll be posting about this (with pictures) all week*. Oh, and I ate goat.…

  • In Keeping with Muslim Tradition

    In Keeping with Muslim Tradition

    Off to KC. Today is Day Two of the three-day Kashmiri wedding of my nephew. Last night was the painting of the hands with Henna. Henna Party! We were not invited, but that is fine. Today and tomorrow are the bride’s and groom’s receptions, respectively. Gary bought a lovely card: Yep, and it plays the…

  • Dress-up

    My nephew’s wedding is fast approaching. This is Arhan-fay’s wedding: he’s the son of Gary’s Muslim-convert sister Sandy. Sandy has her own sect of Islam which prohibits anything Sandy doesn’t like and allows Crab Rangoon and Special Fried Rice, her favorite non-Halal (read ‘kosher’) foods. This is to say Sandy plays fast and loose with…

  • Birthday Gift

    Birthday Gift

    Today we celebrated my birthday at the S______s. (Remember, before you grant any birthday wishes, the in-laws assume that if you are celebrating in the same season as the date of birth you are in the ballpark. My birthday isn’t till well into August.) I got the BEST gift! Matching boy and girl Butter people!…

  • In Which the In-Laws Review Seventies TV

    At one point Gary was able to force his eighty-year old parents to bend to his will and bought them a DVD player. Every holiday since then they have been given DVDs. For a time, Gary tried to get them movies. Then we would be forced to hear the S_____ movie reviews. For example, they…

  • On Religion

    First, if you don’t want to catch up with my in-laws, go read something funny at Jesus Christ’s Cool Blog! Oh, Sherri, thank you. This is funny. This is as funny as Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci/Lazlo Toth (American). In fact, it kind of sounds like him. It’s so good I’m saving it for a treat.…

  • Get Me There

    How I give directions:“Type in maps.yahoo.com.” How I used to give directions:“Turn right on Elm street.Drive 3 miles.Turn left on Perry, then an immediate right on St. Antoine. It’s the second house on the right.” How my in-laws STILL give directions:“Pretend you’re going to the library, the one by the A&W*. Turn right, then, drive…

  • The Return of the Mormons

    Some of you may recall that Gary’s Virtually Unknown and Surprisingly Mormon Uncle died this past year. Gary didn’t know him that well. He sent his Aunt (Ken’s sister) a fruit basket with a thoughtful note: “Have something to eat, you’ll feel better.” (I swear this is true.) The healthy fruit did not make her…

  • Imaginary Conversations

    I have concluded the reason my in-laws communicate so poorly is that after every real conversation, they have an extra extended imaginary conversation. Within minutes, the line between delusion and reality becomes blurred and they believe the imaginary conversation has taken place. ————————————————————————For example: Real Conversation #1 –Gary: Can I bring anything for dinner Saturday,…

  • Birthday Day

    Gary was born today, on March 20th, 1954. (I KNOW! Codger.) This caused confusion for quite some time in the S________ family, since Wilma established in her mind her baby was born on the first day of Spring. So, instead of memorizing the birthday of her then only child, she instead remembered that “Gary was…