Category: In Which We Mock Our In-Laws

Gary’s Mom has been pressuring him to do something unspeakable. She wants him to grow a mullet. For decades, every time the man has had his hair cut, she mourns. She sighs, “Oh … You got your hair cut … again.” Then she gushes about how she likes his hair long, and mourns the loss…

Gary’s parents called with very sad news. The dog Tinkerbell (the DachSlut) has had cataracts for a while, but then in one week she had developed ravenous hunger, gotten clumsy, and evidently there’s a specific dachshund condition, Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration (SARDs), in which a sudden increase in appetite and thirst swiftly leads to blindness.…

Thanksgiving went off without too much of note, until the very last moment. We were all at the door, doing the long goodbye, in which we must all hug each other or shake hands or make some kind of contact. I am not a hugger. We are not a hugging people. Mom and Dad didn’t…

Gary’s sister, mother of the Niece and Nephew, divorced for twenty years, found love again and was married in Kansas City this past weekend. We were the only ones in her family able to attend. Gary was tasked with getting everyone there virtually. The parents of the Bride wisely opted out of the technological challenge…

Thanksgiving at the S______. ALL the S______s were there, [MASSIVELY REDACTED] I felt old after I went through the iPad application of the night: Aging Booth. Look at me in 35 years! I didn’t align my face correctly in the app: that’s why I appear to have had a stroke. [ALSO REDACTED!]

I visited Gary’s parents on his behalf Sunday, since he was socked in with his bad back. Gary’s mom took me into the Altar Room (previously Gary’s old bedroom) and poured some Holy Water into a small white spray bottle. She whispered, “Here, spray some of this on Gary’s back. It’s Holy Water and that…

Today, Gary slipped and described someone as an “asshole” in front of his parents. He slipped, but recovered so quickly it was one word: “assholesorry.” He is 58, so he was not grounded. (He might claim to have Tourette’s, so Tourette’s Gary can join Migraine Man and Seizure Gary in his stable of neurological superheroes.)…

Well, the nephew has sent out his wedding invitations, and they end with the phrase, “No boxed gifts please.” This was a new one for me, and I was as appalled as anyone. Why not, “Just bring cash!” The horror, the horror. Gary promptly launched his gift protocol, which is, “I will buy you what…

The nephew’s wedding is in June, and we have heard from the bride what colors she wants the wedding party to wear. We are not in the wedding party (despite being paraded in and pelted with candies by the children – whatEVER) and I’m fine with that. She wants to make sure we don’t wear…