Category: In Which We Mock Our In-Laws

On the Way to the Butcher, This Occurred to Gary: “What if they haven’t been plucked?” I explained to Gary then we would give the turkeys appropriate Catholic burials in the backyard. But, as it turns out, these are Amish Birds. “Fresh Amish Turkeys!” the label cries. While we have been addressing the turkeys we…

Well, Thanksgiving has become an even more baroque ordeal. First, Gary has committed to fresh free-range turkeys (even though that just means the turkeys, in exchange for not being in pens, are de-clawed and de-beaked so they don’t peck the other three-dollar-a-pound turkeys to death at home on the range.) We pick the turkeys up…

I have been dreading Thanksgiving ever since…last Thanksgiving, when my mother-in-law Wilma had a meltdown and accused me of stealing her grandchildren. (Evidently, I was being too attentive to the teenage niece and nephew.) I (BLAMELESS) apologized to Wilma, so the meltdown did give me the opportunity to be an example of maturity and control.…

I escorted my 15-year-old niece Arzanna-fay to the Cradle of Filth Concert in KC. I learned these things: I may not like to be hugged, but being patted down for weapons is quite agreeable to me. If you stand within two people deep from the stage the bouncers squirt water into your mouth if you…

We went to jummah at Arzaana-fay’s old mosque. She didn’t recognize anyone there. I sat in the back, and Arzaana-fay sat with the pray-ers. Oddly, I didn’t hear my favorite word, hamdallah, at all. I was just quietly sitting there when a pleasant-faced woman crept up to me holding a scarf in front of her.…