Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

  • Paranoia? You Decide. (A Continuing Series)

    Paranoia? You Decide. (A Continuing Series)

    So, sometimes I get these Google searches that seem to be aimed directly at me. I don’t mean those searching for “Mediocretia.” And I don’t mean those searching for “women who spread their toes,” even though, wow, dudes, who knew? Next time I’m in sandals I’ll be spreading them for your amusement. I mean these…

  • Mine, All Mine

    Mine, All Mine

    Often, I will be eating chips with my friend Caroline (she’s #4) when she will silently hand me a chip. It puzzles me a moment, until I inspect the chip and see it is curly. Caroline knows that I am the owner of all curly chips. I think this might date from high school, when…

  • Grilled Chocolate Sandwich, as Promised

    Grilled Chocolate Sandwich, as Promised

    Today is the last day of the phantom period, in which I have all the signs of my monthly time except the issue of tissue. Because I keep my promises, here is the recipe for the Grilled Chocolate Sandwich. One: Menstruate. Two: Melt butter, split croissants and fry. Three: Flip croissants and add chocolate, in…

  • In Which I Make a New Sound

    In Which I Make a New Sound

    I made a new sound tonight, one I’ve never made before. It kind of scared me. I don’t blame the drink, I blame the company. First of all, when the bartender began mixing the Purple Haze that Friend #3 suggested I try, he brought out the Chambord. “Yay!” I crowed, “it’s the Holy Hand Grenade!…

  • Return to Room 19

    Dear Doris Lessing, First, woohoo! Congratulations on the Nobel prize! You may not know this, but you wrote my favorite short story, To Room 19. For years, when asked what my favorite story is I’ve given To Room 19 as the answer. This morning it struck me: I can not recall what To Room 19…

  • Measure Twice, Cut Once

    I am in the process of organizing my laundry room. To this end I went online and bought a freestanding wire shelving unit. It is designed to fit over the washer and dryer. (Gary saw it and said “OR we could put it in the garage!” because he wants to see me take the scissors…

  • How About “I HATE YOU ALL” Week?

    Some of my Friends have names for the week they have their periods. One has Orange Week, for example. That may be supplanted by a new term: “Bowling”. Bowling requires some explanation. We watched the Educational Archives Lunch Box Set at a girl’s night out. You should check it out, because it’s a compilation of…

  • Break Your Tooth

    (This is the post you were supposed to get yesterday, but then the dog started defecating representations of the male reproductive organs. Today he’s back to representations of the lymphatic system, so I can post what I want.) Yesterday, I went to the dentist for a crown. As usual, I begged for drugs. Novocaine, nitrous,…

  • The Red Clarks

    The Red Clarks

    I’m not a shoe diva. (Now, socks, that’s another story.) I can’t stand spending a lot for shoes. (Again, socks, another set of ethics applies.) For quite a long time I owned one pair of black shoes, one pair of blue, one pair or brown, and — done! Shoes? Check! Catherine the Red eventually persuaded…

  • The Secret of Happiness

    Good stuff that happened just today: In general: I have the tastes of a teenager and the income of a grownup.