Some of my Friends have names for the week they have their periods. One has Orange Week, for example. That may be supplanted by a new term: “Bowling”. Bowling requires some explanation. We watched the Educational Archives Lunch Box Set at a girl’s night out.
You should check it out, because it’s a compilation of all those bad, bad educational filmstrips and movies you saw in high school. And that includes a Kotex Production in which our heroine learns that you can still have fun AND have your period as long you “take it easy.” “No, sweetie, you can’t go swimming with the giant rat mattress between your thighs, but bowling is fun!” (Cut to our heroine bowling with a decidedly resigned air, as if to say, “Shit, I hate my period, but it’s a beautiful and wonderful part of being a woman. And it’s so easy to bowl wearing Kotex!”)
Given that there is so little lining left in my uterus, you would think this would be a non-issue for me. However, today when I had a fistful of Doritos in one hand and a tiny Mr. Goodbar in the other it occurred to me: this is the week I would have a period if I had any uterine lining left! It’s white pill week! That’s why I hate you all with the searing force of a laid-off alcoholic neo-Nazi who was sexually abused as a child! I’m not really a bad person! I’m just a moron!
I think I need my own version of those medical diagnosis flowcharts: Are you a bitch? If yes, do chocolate covered potato chips sound good? If yes, do you want all your co-workers to die? If yes, has this happened in the last 28 days?
Better yet, I need a cool euphemism just for myself like Friends 2 through 3 have. For those Special Days when I need that chocolate-salt combo. Pretzel Flipz. Chocolate sundae with buttered salted pecans at Oberweis Dairy. A croissant split in half, fried in butter, and a Hershey’s bar sandwiched between (I’m doing it, I swear. A Grilled Chocolate sandwich.)
Oh, that gives me an idea! I think I’ve found my euphemism. “Chef Week,” in honor of Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls:
13 responses to “How About “I HATE YOU ALL” Week?”
The one who UNDERSTANDS gives (GIVES) you a chocolate chip granola bar to eat with you tortilla chips and what do I get? Hmmmm? Hmmmm? You usurped me for a teeny-tiny Mr. Goodbar. In case you haven’t seen that movie Mr. Goodbar is a serial murduring sexual predator. Poke.
If you think this is fun, try it when there are no, uh, outward manifestations of this miraculous monthly event. All the bad hormones are cranking out and the only clue you have is screaming at the school bus in front of you that these f***ing people should drive their own f***ing little brats to their own f***ing school where my tax dollars are spent to teach them either how to be cannon fodder or (if they’re especially bright) baristas. Yeah, that’s a clue, but there aren’t many and I don’t realize it until it’s too late. Grrr…
You should totally just make stuff up-as you have done with the Grilled Chocolate Sandwich-which, given a particular day might in fact be very tasty. My favorite treat at that time though is Midol Extra Strength and big fountain Coca-Cola. Yum. And chocolate ice cream-the good stuff, from a real ice cream shoppe, not just the stuff at the grocery store. Double yum.
Poor baby. In our house it was always “time to hide the knives”…
Um, so I want a Grilled Chocolate Sandwich, like, RIGHT NOW.I also am a whore for the sweet/salty combo. Yogurt-covered pretzels usually do the trick, but sometimes I just have to get a Payday, which is all peanuts and chocolate. Mmmm.
I had to go off the pill, because I am 48, fat, and hypertensive. I am now returning to the PMS possessed monstress that I was pre- pill. Potato chips dipped in chocolate, mmmmmm.
I’m an oddball in the group, in that my PMS comes in a one hour sudden blinding heatray of hatred and then slinks off, leaving me to deal with the tattered aftermath. Oh, and now that I’m over 42 I have periods JUST LIKE I DID AT 14 — in that the blinding PMS attack may come the day before, 3 days before, or a day after everything actually STARTS. and cramps? 20 years of minimal cramps, and now, I’m 14 again? This SUCKS. Where is my fucking menopause?We call it ‘slugs’ here. Pretty much sums my attitude.
My wife and switched to calling it “Shark Week” a few months ago. 🙂
My cousin and I used to say (I’m cringing a little already)”having a red rose,” but I think I like “slugs” better.
Credit where credit is due, ’twas Zayrina who first came up with the phrase “slugs” in response to a really stupid comment from a mutual male friend of ours.And I no longer have a uterine lining, nor even a uterus, but the salt/chocolate combo sounds yummy, as does any sort of carb right now. I think my body wants me to gain a few pounds and then sleep through the winter. I may in fact be a groundhog rather than an otter…
For my part, I call it “Messing with Sasquatch”.
Jammiepoo you are such a lucky girlie not to be slugging it out in the slug farming business anymore. Bnitch.
Friend #2 – Dont poke the bear, and RobYn ate all the Mr Goodbars before I came to you. It’s okay, I got my nuts and Toblerone.Becs – I think not having the lining there to slough off makes it so the hormones get jacked way up. And what about WALKING to school? I did it.Autumn – I say you should make an ice cream float from the soda and ice cream, because the good ice cream doesnt get ice slivers. And use it to wash down the Midol.Sue – Or, time to hide the scissors, here.Catherine – I think I’m going to make the Grilled chocolate sandwich this weekend. I let you know how it turns out.Zayrina – Ooo, AND that chocolate covered MOOSE MUNCH popcorn from harry and David. They should just call it Menstrual Munch. Or…not.Sherri – Pleasze say you didn’t mean that. Not the 14 year-old’s cramps. Then again, I hear theres this Ponstel miracle drug now. Because hearing they still expect Midol to do anything is terrifying.ajooja – Ha! Does she circle you with dead eyes?Kathy – I love that you ‘fessed up to the red rose.Jammies – But SUMMER IS OVER, and we should enjoy any weather that isn’t “extreme heat or cold” – don’t hibernate for a few weeks yet. Besides, there fall cleanup still to do.Friend #3 – Ha! Don’t poke the sasquatch.Zayrina – I’m jealous – she isn’t leaving a slug trail? Why dont they have laser surgery for that yet?