Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

  • I am Magellan

    I have made two discoveries lately. At least, I think I discovered these two things. 1) A drink. I share credit for this discovery with Friend #3. She is Lewis to my Clark. Wait – which one was clinically depressed? Oh, okay. She is Clark to my Lewis. We call this drink the Laura Ingalls…

  • Another Visit With Steve the Hairstylist

    I visited Steve the Pricey Hairstylist again. Again, Steve tried to massage my head. Luckily, he asked this time instead of rubbing relentlessly on my protruding skull bones. “No, thanks, just a regular shampoo.” Perhaps if anyone had offered me wine my defenses might have been down and I would have been game. ‘Ho that…

  • Mmmm Snoooots…Oh. Ew.

    Mmmm Snoooots…Oh. Ew.

    This morning, I left my bed and climbed into bed with Gary, naked. I cuddled up next to him and stroked his arm. I tiptoed my fingers up his chest and cooed… “Snoots?” This is because Thursday I was sitting at work and got an urgent phone call from Caroline. “Get a pen and paper.…

  • You Can See It Coming…

    You Can See It Coming…

    So, for MONTHS now Jesus Christ’s Blog has had 13 subscribers, and I have had 12. Then I wake up today and he has 12! I thought I saw my opportunity. I cackled satanically. “If I drop Jesus, then he’ll have 11 and I’ll have 12. I will win!” And I would have Alt-Print Screen…

  • In Which I Get Gas

    This is the second day Gary’s been out of town, and the first day I celebrated my freedom. I came home, just like the night before, ready to wait out another night of Garylessness. At about eight I thought, “I could eat dinner.” (pause) “I could eat anything I WANT for dinner.” Then I began…

  • ZZZzzzz-wha? Huh?

    In the past few days I have slept. I have slept so much that I have restored the energy I wasted (“wwaaaassssted…” she hissed for emphasis) on the Super-Secret-Oh-Yeah-You-Are-Dead-Sucker Project. I slept so much I was able to make a list of things to do. Before that, yes, I was too wiped out to even…

  • In Which I Cower in Fear

    In Which I Cower in Fear

    I’ve been trying to be a little more fearless now that I am in my dotage. I don’t want to end up like Gary’s sister Karen, who just today sent this email: “Can you both make it earlier at mom and dad’s tomorrow on the 4th. Around 12noon. We are trying to miss the late…

  • In Which We Discover We Are a Dirty Dirty Girl

    Yesterday, a co-worker was preparing baked beans for the company picnic. According to confirmed reports, her first step was to wash the can. Then she opened it, and everything else was pretty standard after that. I heard about this from a co-worker, who said he questioned her at the time and she said “I don’t…

  • Stupid Job is Jerking Me Around!

    For the past six months I have been working on a training project that contains stimulating material such as this: To make the forklift raise the pallet up, press the UP button.To lower the pallet that is on the forklift, press the DOWN button.TRUE or FALSE: The UP button raises the pallet. (TRUE! If you…

  • Colin

    I need you to help me out here. I’m going to tell a tale that borders on the disgusting. I’m going to try to do it with some delicacy and grace. Here’s what I need you to do. Imagine my lower gastrointestinal tract is an annoying little boy. Named Colin. Pronounced just like the “Colin”…