Category: In Which We Mock Our In-Laws

The plan for today is to eat half an omelet at First Watch, go to the Kirkwood Farmer’s Market, and then go somewhere I have never been: The Magic House. It wasn’t around when I was a child, and I wasn’t with Gary when he took our niece and nephew. Will there soon be a…

I won’t tell you the detailed history of why Gary ended up with a spare plastic goose. Let’s just leave it at this: A few years back, Gary had a spare plastic goose, at about the same time his parents had a hawk. The hawk would eat rabbits and peck out their brains right in…

Every time Gary and I leave the in-laws, Gary’s Mom, Wilma, hugs us both. His Dad, Ken, hugs me and shakes Gary’s hand. Unbeknownst to everyone, THIS BREAKS WILMA’S HEART. Today, during a loud lunch conversation she randomly announced that ALL SHE WANTS BEFORE SHE DIES is to see HER HUSBAND hug HER ONLY SON…

Disclaimer: For our 25th anniversary the in-laws gave us the china bell they got for their 25th anniversary, and we are to pass it on to Gary’s married sister in 15 years. So that’s nice. BUT NICE ENOUGH? You tell me. The In-Law reaction to the Paris trip was, if you recall, “Terrorists! Volcanoes!” We…

Odd things happened on Mother’s Day. 1. I was not allowed to drive with Gary. There was not enough room for me in the Honda Fit after he put in all the petunias and presents. I had to take my own car. No one saw this as strange. 2. Since I had my own car…

A few years ago, we got the S_____s a copy of The Cosby Show to add to their cache of 50s-80s family television. It’s been a challenge keeping up with their desires (no witches, monsters, talking animals or PORN like Frasier). Gary checked back with his Dad after a week and asked, “So, did you…

So, driven by a threat of snow as solid a ten-day weather forecast, the in-laws moved the Christmas Eve celebration up to today. It made for a stressful day yesterday, but it’s nice to have the family Christmas done. One of my mother-in-law’s gifts was a package of Host. Yes, Host, with a capital H.…

Previously seen on In-law Christmas ’09” Sister in law: “No, let’s just do two presents each.”Gary’s Mom Wilma: “I don’t have the energy to make the whole Christmas Buffet of Fingerfoods. I’ll just make the salad and dip and 200 cookies. Your sister will bring the sandwiches and meatballs and you bring something else. Just…

“Gary, did you read the blog today? I just want to check my facts. The commenters are horrified by your mom’s behavior with the dog. I need to be sure I’m not making false accusations.” “MASTURBATING THE DOG?” Gary screamed. “Right! I’m thinking that I heard wrong when you said your Mom was rubbing Tinkerbell’s…

Preliminary coursework: The in-laws have a dog named Tinkerbellandmy angelic and pure Mother-in-law favors indelicate terms for the female body part. (Hint: when I tell the above Mother-in-law stories at work I have to say “Twah” instead so no one can report me to HR.) Gary told me that he visited his Mom today. They…