Category: In Which We Mock Our In-Laws

Yesterday, during my father-in-law’s birthday party, Wilma called me in to the kitchen. She wanted to tell me the fresh cantaloupe Gary had picked up for them the last two weeks was spoiled. These are the prepared cantaloupe cubes, in the plastic container, specifically marketed to Gary, or anyone who wouldn’t spend two seconds getting…

One day Mom said something odd. She shared a quote she’d read, something about “how a daughter’s job is to agree with the mother’s version of the family history.” I believe I gave her the snake-eye with the eyebrows all askew. It seemed quite out of place. She wasn’t dying, and it wasn’t prompted by…

We got Ken and Wilma the Audubon bird camera for Christmas, and it has taken many entertaining photos of the four species of birds in their backyard. At first we all fell into the “Christmas mouse” thinking – you see a mouse every couple of days in the winter; you think it’s one mouse. “There’s…

For all of you who complain about the materialism of Christmas, I present to you Gary. Gary doesn’t buy materials. He shows his love. A well-placed gift is love. As for Jesus, every day is Jesus Day. That said, I shall now detail the gifts exchanged. From Gary I got a Scooba, to replace the…

Gary protests my characterization of Thanksgiving Eve. “I am NOT bossy.” And, in his world view, he is not bossy. In his family, he is the very least bossy and controlling person. Everyone there has an opinion on how everyone else should behave, spend, date, where they should live, and instead of just having the…

Things Discussed Death. I was thankful no one died this year. Mr. Wonderful, my Gary, Wilma. Sandy whispered, “What do you mean ‘Wilma?’ Mom didn’t almost die.” “Heart attack!” “Oh! I forgot about that!” The Future Mrs Nephew Who Was Not There. The Nephew kept the peace admirably. He spoke only when spoken to. When…

Thanksgiving this year will have land mines planted in the cranberry sauce. There are souls hanging in the balance and racial tension and cultural conflicts, all centered around the Kansas City contingent. There is so much woven subtext I can’t even present it in an organized manner. It seems the Very Muslim nephew and Semi-Muslim…

Gary’s sister Sandy was in some distress this weekend over some decision her father was making. She was worked up enough to call Gary and tell him he should step in and take matters in hand, because he is … [snort] he is … [chokes] the “Head of the Family.” I mean, a) sister wives…

Saturday was the niece and nephew’s birthday dinner at the in-laws. We arrived starving. Not much on the table yet, just seven devilled eggs by the paper plates and plastic cups and forks. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat devilled eggs, so I waited till the real food was out. The real food was: vegetarian…

I was helping my mother-in-law Wilma clean up after Thanksgiving. My job was to put leftovers in Tupperware. She tutted me and said, “When I was a girl we were taught to never waste food. The nuns called it ‘Feeding the Devil.’ And look at this, look at all the food you’ve left in this…