Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

At the beginning of the year Gary was covered in oozing purple-red patches that looked a lot like psoriasis but never tested positive for psoriasis. I don’t know when or why he turned the corner, but he is now covered in dry pink patches. His ears are still crusty, but the rest of him looks…

And that man is … Gary! And the something he wants me to do is … buy an adjustable bed! That’s the end though, is it not? Some people say the end is the day they get the AARP card. But I say it’s the bed. I do still make a shaky guttural sound when…

Gary’s already been quite successful in luring the songbirds. Lots of Cardinals, of course, but also bright yellow puffball chickadees. I got very excited when he said he’d seen a bluebird eating the mealworms in the specialized bluebird feeder, but sad to say it was a blue jay, not a legit bluebird. We all know…

Well, we are those neighbors. We have been cited by our local health department for feeding the wildlife. This, of course, is the Royal “We”. Then again, I suppose I am complicit. I did clean up the mess for years. And of course, what makes Gary happy makes me happy. However, I also support living…

Previously seen on Real Deer of My Subdivision: Two days ago a doe and two fawns were in our yard. Mom left one of the two fawns behind in our yard. Hours later the fawn was gone. One day ago a mystery neighbor posted in community Facebook page there was a fawn in his landscaping.…

Gary woke me up at midnight last night and insisted I get out of bed and sit down in the chair because he had concerning health news. “I have pulmonary edema.” he intoned. [SPOILER. It was not. (SPIwn for short.)] He clarified that he just lay down for bed and water gushed out of his…

When I have blind spots, Gary’s take always surprises me. Like he said, “Ellen, sometimes bad people lie to make themselves look good. And sometimes good people lie to make themselves look better. And those aren’t the same thing.” I mean right there, that bought him another six months of marriage.

Things have been quiet here at the house. I think I said two sentences to Gary today, both regarding imminent house maintenance work. Neither sentence was hostile. This is what I call progress. A few weeks ago he complained about his health, and I knew: So I said, “I don’t know how to respond to…

Well, directly after our physical two weeks ago Gary scoffed at the GP’s recommendation that Gary see the dermatologist again. Maddening. Just a few days ago he said he’d go back to the dermatologist, then ten minutes later he revoked that, then ten minutes later reversed his revocation, then started to take it back again…

I took a hard look at the man on the underwear box, especially his wonky navel, and then I noticed another flaw. Look right above the word “Calvin” on the elastic waistband on the right. “Gary,” I said, “Come here. It looks like the model has psoriasis or eczema or whatever you have.” So evidently…