Stop Me If I’ve Said This Before: voice

Abandoned Draft Version:

God same voice as when depressed

Present Day:

So, when I was in junior high school I got in with the Baptists and became saved, born again, converted. It didn’t last past my father’s death. I had to reconsider all my beliefs after Dad died, given that he was not one of the elect. Just like what happened when Mom died. My beliefs were all re-evaluated and I did a deep cleaning of the basement of my soul.

So, after Dad died, the New Testament took the biggest hit. Any words of Saint Paul were winnowed out, plus any belief based on half a phrase (Rapture) or based on church convenience (Purgatory).

God stuck around though, because I had heard him. Not a voice, but I had heard my conscience … never so loudly as when the Baptists called for people to come to the altar and accept salvation. That “voice” was loud and external. Those weren’t my thoughts. Must be God, or a higher power, or whatever you like to call it.

That fundamental belief in God stayed around until I became depressed the first time. Then I heard the external thoughts again, but this time it insisted that I was not worthy of any kind of salvation. It was the manifestation of the Excessive Guilt bullet of the “Do You Think You are Depressed” quiz.

I believe Tipper Gore had the same question when she became depressed, and her Mormon friends told her it was the voice of Satan. A convenient explanation, but Satan was tossed out of my belief system back in the Dead Dad Purge.

And now that I say all that, it seems I’ve said it all before. I did, almost a decade ago, albeit more briefly, and with less vulnerability, here.