“Are you okay?”
A young man asked me that last week. I was entering a building at the community college, he was exiting.
I was completely fine, so I was taken aback by his concern. I had only a second to think of a reason he might have asked.
“Oh, I’m just cold,” I said, because he would soon discover it was 15 degrees outdoors (-9 Celsius).
The cold was a handy excuse, and it kept me from huffing, “I am perfectly fine, young man.” That might not have been why he asked if I was okay.
I was opening a heavy door and I’m sure that looked awkward.
I am in my late fifties, and the young man may have interpreted my sags and wattles as some tumorous face disease.
There is now a permanent vertical wrinkle line between my eyebrows. Perhaps I always appear to be worried.
Perhaps he assumed … from a distance … I was a plump young college woman, who became increasingly disabled as he got closer.
What he should have asked was, “Are you lost?” because I would have said, “I might be. My class is in the HUM building. I take it that means the humanities building? And if so, is this indeed the Humanities building?” And then I might have babbled, “Oh the humanity,” and the young man would have backed away slowly.
It was nice, though, that instead of:
“You look out of place, lady! I am concerned about you.”
“Mind your manners, you insolent puppy!”
… we said, “Are you okay?” “Oh, I’m just cold.”
2 responses to “Concern 2020”
People caring about the people around them and wanting to help them if help is needed can be such a good thing when it is done well and with good intentions, but similar “expressions of concern” can be such a …something not good… thing. Patronizing? Oddly dehumanizing, in some cases? Removal of agency, judgmental, you-don’t-belong-here-ish?
I guess: when people are concerned and wanting to help if necessary, whoever you are and whatever your limitations are, and are not mad if you do not actually need them, and are happy to not insist on helping if you do not need help, it is good. If people are wanting to faux-assist you to remove their own discomfort with your presence, it is bad. If people are wanting to Be The Hero Of This Story, that is also usually bad, although sometimes the technical non-psychological outcomes are at least more or less fine.
(also: arcane building names, oy. The worst is, I think, colleges that have multiple buildings named after the same person, so the locals rely on context to know which “Jones” (or whatever) building is the relevant one [dorm or classroom building or annex], which makes them, and the available maps, often very unhelpful to the uninitiated!)
(Is this the writing class? I hope it’s really, really good!)
KC – this is the writing class. And it has homework. Chapter 1 took up hours of my Saturday.