I had my blood drawn today and if all goes well I shall be deemed Paused, Barren, Beyond the Great Witherment. I have never been SO excited about a potential test result EVER. Because why? Because of the party.
Gotta have a MenoParty. Little girls get Menarche Parties (in some circles), so my circle is getting a party. I’ve been waiting for this time since it all went downhill when I was eleven.
I know it’s coming (if not soon then someday soon), so I’ve ordered these delicious chocolate molds:
Why yes, those are chocolate molds shaped like birth control. Not like my birth control, but that’s easily expressed as a sheet cake:
Other food? Anything related to menstruation or reproduction is fair game. Hard boiled eggs. Caviar. Blood pudding. Dried meats. Blood oranges.
But my favorite idea came from this inspiration, a viking carved from a watermelon.
I thought, what could I carve a watermelon into? So that you see the inspiration in pure form, here is exactly what I typed yesterday:
“watermelon_carved into uterus or my god tampons”
Picture a watermelon tampon including both the white and red parts of the melon and some cotton twine. Then I thought, why not angel food cake carved into “pads,” with strawberry jam, and I thought no, that’s gross, THAT’S over the line. So of course, that lasted all of a second and now it’s on the table too.
Gotta use the uterus though. I could pay someone $140 for a uterus pinata, but I’d be happy to make my own. I have loads of pink spray paint left over from the Derby Hat, too.
I haven’t even begun to think of the set list, or the drinks, or the ice cubes or first period stories.
God I hope it’s the Change.
7 responses to “Aint No Party Like a Menopause Party”
Yuck! Sorry, but that’s my take. Instead of celebrating(?) the things you’re leaving behind, why not glory in the new state.
– You can have sex any time you want without making a mess.
– You become suddenly attractive to a host of younger men who fear pregnancy and cycles in general.
– No one can ever accuse you of PMSing.
– You can claim you now “think like a man”.
– You can grow a beard if you want.
– Your fingernails will grow more evenly.
– You can get away with a lot more outrageousness.
Me, I’d have the party at a Chippendales’.
~~Silk – gross is totally what I’m going for! I could have a beard contest, though, that would be fun. And … isn’t the man the one who makes sex messy? I’m pretty tidy during sex.
…she meant that you’d be messy if you had sex while you were menstruating. I thought I’d point that out, in case you had never thought of it.
Like, ever.
Tami – I have to think way back … Gary never wanted sex when I was menstruating. Perhaps that’s a Catholic thing?
Meh. It’s an “about half the men I’ve slept with” thing.
Tami- 50%. Good to know.
Yeah, 50%, but don’t ask me my number. Let’s just say that I was pretty cute in my 20’s, and when I’m in my 70’s, I’ll be happy to say, “I’m so glad that I had all that sex!”