The cough is epic, violent, and shakes me to my core. It’s the cough that ends with “uuueeuuuugggnn,” a mewly little moan that says why, why me, why must I cough this way.
All the cough syrups in the house are useless. When I realized they were all expired, Gary brought home more equally useless cough syrups.
Since I can’t sleep, I spent the day working, chugging cough syrup, and washing my damn pajama bottoms because – well, you know why. One pair of pajamas actually disintegrated on my body as I shifted positions. (New pajama e.t.a is 2 days. Amazon Priiiiime.) I also kept an ear out to hear if anyone at CNN knew what was up with the explosions in Boston.
At about five I coughed so much that I not only soiled my pajamas, but the top sheet, bottom sheet, and matress cover, and my last pair of clean pajama bottoms.
“Oh for God’s sake,” I muttered, as I pulled up the mattress cover’s corners and threw the whole bundle in the wash.
(Let me pause for the people who know where this is going to slap their foreheads. Yeah, you only know because you’ve done it yourself.)
Fast forward to six o’clock, when the tiVo said, “Be boop! I’m going to change the channel at six to record some ridiculous garbage you don’t want to see!”
“No,” I said, and searched for the tiVo remote, so I could override that nonsense.
I searched. For a while.
Coughing.
Coughing and wetting myself.
I looked under the bed, I moved the bed, I searched other rooms, and then I heard the washer go into spin mode. And then I knew where the remote was.
I was already disgusted with myself because I evidently can’t Kegel and cough at the same time, and I never had enough sense or pessimism to apply a Poise pad, and then I went and ran the Tivo remote through a wash cycle. A hot brutal wash, for the pee, don’t you know.
Disgusted. I was disgusted, then I heroically arose and cleaned up, regained my Poise, took some of the prescription cough medicine that expired three years ago (and works better than anything else in the house), and rescued the remote.
Of course, it’s dead, because it was not only washed but also agitated and spun. And worst of all, I COULD NOT CHANGE THE CHANNEL from the lame craft show the unregulated tiVo had switched to.
I asked Gary to stop by the Best Buy on the way home and get their cheapest remote. He tried to tell me that if you want the basic remote, you have to order it online, and all that Best Buy has are the high-end fancy tiVo remotes. This is an absurd lie, but I had to let it pass because when you WET THE BED AND and wash the remote you have no authority.
9 responses to “The Day of the Peecough”
I don’t have MS but I have reached a point in my life where I dribble for no reason I can find and then have a flood with a sneeze or a cough. I finally gave up and just started wearing a diaper all the time. It’s better than wetting on everything.
Join me in the sisterhood of diapers. (Actually I wear the pull up underwear type. Life is better not fighting your bladder.)
I’m in the Poise brigade. Z is right. Don’t fight it. It’s just easier than smelling like pee all the time.
Time for prescription cough meds.
Is it wrong that this makes me want to kill myself before I hit that phase in my life? Maybe?
Zayrina – I’m not blaming the MS, I blame the cough. Most of the time I’m contained (so far) and I’m usually Poise-free. This is just such a violent cough and coupled with the cough medicine that I think relaxes me BLAH BLAH I CAN BE IN DENIAL ALL DAY. I Kegel in your general direction.
Becs – But Becs, my pee smells like flowers.
~~Silk – I carried the prescription stuff with me to work today and I only took one sip, because I only coughed once.
Amy in StL – There should be a grownup Child’s book called “Everybody Pees.” It’s not SO bad! Everybody pees, everybody has a chronic health condition, everybody’s wrinkled.
i leak, but it’s breast milk though. i have pads in my bra so it won’t soak through. that’s all i got to contribute here. so yeah.
Mrs Hall – that makes sense. Don’t men leak anywhere? I guess they have those prostates that go out.
The only thing that works for me for that kind of cough is syrup with codeine that the doctor must prescribe.
I cough-peed my way through Disney World one memorable vacation. That’s when I learned that you can ask at any gift shop in WDW and they can direct you to someone nearby who can sell you Pertussin from behind the counter.
Jo – that is a good secret to know.