Years ago, I bought a bath rug. I didn’t buy a bath mat, which are the rugs with rubberized backs, because I grew up maintaining those. Instead, I bought a 2×3 bath rug, in a loose shag the same color as the taupe tile. Within hours Gary relocated it to the basement, and the aftermath is chronicled here.
That was probably twenty five years ago. I threw out that rug during the Great Basement Purge, and only yesterday did I discover what he didn’t like about the rug. He always said he relocated the rug because the rug must hang on the shower door handle when not in use and cannot stay on the floor because the dog will pee on it, and that rug was wider than the shower door handle.
Gary Rule 1: The bath rug must hang on the shower door when not in use and cannot stay on the floor because the dog will pee on it.
Come to find out, this rule was a ruse to mask the real rule. We don’t have a dog now, so when I suggested that we don’t have to pick the rug up every day now, I discovered the real rule.
Gary Rule 2: If the bath rug remains on the floor it will become dirty, therefore it must hang on the shower door when not in use and cannot stay on the floor.
Gary pointed out that we don’t have any rugs in our house, because they are filth traps. I pointed out the foyer rug and he said that was fine because it wasn’t damp in the foyer, but in the bathroom scary things grow between the rug and the floor every second the rug remains on the floor.
Gary Rule 3: The bath mat must be of a certain size
The bath rug I bought years ago was too big to hang on the shower door, that was its crime.
Gary Rule 4: The bath mat must be of a certain thickness
The shag nature made it too thick, a haven for bugs. Again, remember I came from a house with small bath mats stacked on a wall to wall shag bath mat covering a tile floor. Filthy. I did not know.
Gary Rule 5: The bath mat must be of a certain color, in fact everything in the bathroom must be a certain color
He ranted, “Unless it’s solid white, you can’t tell when it’s dirty.” Yes, I thought, that’s the whole point of colorful towels and bath rugs, they don’t show the dirt. Then again, I see his point, there’s a reason sterile lab environments don’t have multicolored granite countertops. You need to see the dirt.
On the down side of seeing the dirt, you SEE the DIRT. The bath rug we currently has two grey patches for our two feet, and no all-night bleach soak can get them out. We need a new one, but now I know the rules. I suggested I buy a new bath rug just like the dirty one, same size, same thickness.
“NO. They aren’t called bath rugs. They are called bath towels.”
I said, “No, actually, ‘bath towels’ are called bath towels.”
“No, I mean ‘floor towels.’ It’s a special towel for the floor.”
“Whatever. It’s just a small towel, like the size of a hand towel? It’s like a foot towel.”
“Yes. I think they call them foot towels.”
No, they do not call them foot towels, you nut job, they call them bath rugs.
[Searching]
Oh, son of a bitch. They call them foot towels.
That conversation made me really want to buy these at Pottery Barn:
But of course I can’t buy the item below, because a) it’s too big and b) it doesn’t say “FOOT.”
13 responses to “Learning the Rules”
I seriously don’t know how you manage to do it. Seriously. He would have been dead. That counseling you went to must have been worth every penny. Or are you, too, on lots of drugs and just don’t feel like killing him?
Explain to Gary that sterile environments lead to weak immune systems. Culturing your own already familiar personal and house germs keeps your immune system comfortably bopping along at optimum operating level, ready to handle strange germs.
Also, keeping the immune system busy with familiar busywork makes it less likely to look for something to do, like, oh, allergies and misguided attacks.
Don’t know how true the allergy part is, but it seems like with Gary, truth is less important than theory.
ha ha ha ha ha.
also, what becs said.
My old housemate used to take the dish drainer off of the counter to “put it away” under the sink. I asked her to cut it the hell out, because when I hand wash dishes I just want the drainer to be there already, and no to have to go fishing for it. She informed me that people didn’t just leave those things on the counter all the time, and I lost it.
“Yes, they do!” I shouted, “That’s what f&$*ing houses LOOK LIKE”.
I have a bath mat, the kind with the grippy underside. Twice a year I throw it in the washer and dryer. If it gets ruined, I’ll buy another. It’s black/
I throw the towel I use to dry myself on the floor and kind of mop up with it. No bathmats for me!
Becs – My mother said almost the same thing to me once. I’ve only been on the drugs for ten or fifteen years, so you’re right, it must be the counseling.
~~ Silk – I can tell him how Mom’s peditrician told my grandmother that Mom got polio because Grandceil washed the grapes. I am protecting him from polio.
Magpie – laugh at my pain.
Tami – *mumbles* When I had it, my foldy wooden disk rack stayed under the sink, but I like a clean counter.
Hattie – Do you then hang the towel back up on the rack, as we do, to use the next day, or do you wash each towel after use?
At our house, a cat dictated that there would be NO MORE bathmats. By peeing on the existing one. I was the only one in the house who hung it up when it was not in use and that, apparently, was not sufficient.
I have a white bath rug (with a grippy back) that stays on the floor and is washed when it shows dirt. I also have a bath mat that I put over the edge of the tub when I’m finished showering. It dries there and I wash it weekly. That one is either white or light green, that wasy I can do laundry less often.
Seriously, how have you lived with Gary for so long?
We have a bath mat like a thick towel that, like the towels, hangs on the heated towel rail and gets washed once a week. Or so.
Gayle – None of our dogs ever even tried to pee on the bath mat, and had they I would have just thrown it in the wash. However, I’m in the habit of hanging it up now.
Amy in StL – The ironic thing is that we rarely wash the mat. Not even monthly, certainly not weekly, as you do. I don’t see how it gets dirty, because our feet are clean when we come out of the shower.
Big Dot – Well, Amazon Prime is sending me a new bath rug right now, so we’ll see if I can wash this thing … monthly. I’ll aim for monthly. And I’m sure someone is asking Gary how he can live with a crazy woman who only washes the bath rug – sorry, foot rug – once a month when obviously cleanliness is so important to him.
The therapist my ex and I went to had several cats. After almost a year of counseling I told her that one of my cats peed on the bath mat, but only when whatshisname spent the night. She immediately advocated for ending the marriage.
Wendy – The Piss of Death!