The great misremembering: a breakthrough

Recently I posted about a conversation I had that could not possibly have happened, and commented that “after this story went from the psych counselor to the psychiatrist, the neurologist wants to have me come in.”

So I was all mentally prepared for my appointment this coming Friday. I was ready to have the neurologist’s physician’s assistant say, “the memory does weird stuff sometimes” just as everyone else had.

Then I was in the garage and suddenly, randomly remembered the old days in the nineties when I had my two episodes of depression. One, in which I was A Very Bad Person Per the Unrelenting Voice in My Head, and another in which I was in some way responsible for the war in Bosnia Herzegovina. (Detailed here. I was convinced I was responsible for that conflict. I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. I knew it in the very core of my soul, though. I mean Wikipedia would disagree about my involvement, but I knew the truth. )

So first depression, hearing voices and guilt, second depression, inserting myself into European wars and guilt. Yesterday it occurred to me that maybe I’m having another delusional depression. A guilt-free depression though: I am notably, exceptionally blameless in this one.

And they did cut my MS meds in half in January, so it makes sense that my brain chemistry is off.

I am going with that until Friday, when I meet with the physician’s assistant. He may well say, “Memories do weird stuff sometimes.” I really hope I’m depressed though, otherwise I have no idea what reality is.