Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: December 2011

  • Secret Santa

    I think this might be the first time I’ve ever participated in a Secret Santa exchange.My secret santa recipient is getting screwed. “Santa” was to buy a beverage the first day. a snack the second day, and a gift card for a favorite lunch spot on the third day. I am a bad, bad Santa.…

  • Words with Husbands

    A few days ago Gary called to me from the shower. “You have to hear this!” I was applauding as the dog moved his bowels in the backyard, and I didn’t want to divide my attentions, so I ignored Gary. But, what he wanted me to hear was a sentence he just thought out in…

  • Drama Dog

    A month ago, Mac got in a huff and stomped off to his crate. He flopped himself down with a touch of indignation, as if to say, “Christ! These people.” I chuckled. Since then, every day he hurls himself into his crate with a little more drama. Tonight, he hip-checked the inside of the crate…

  • Stylin’

    Gary has discovered that light makes him fatigued, so he has a) been much more sympathetic to my claims that heat makes me fatigued and b) actually knows what fatigue feels like and c) apologized for always responding to my fatigue with, ‘”You are out of shape! You need more exercise!” But my selfish vindication…

  • Quick Update on Gary

    (Odd, I thought I posted this earlier but it seems I did not.) This is Gary’s version of events. My neurologist read the notes from my family doctor and had me come in immediately instead of in 6 weeks just to make sure that I was OK. My appointment was today and Ellen went with…

  • The Germans Need a Word for This

    Somewhere in MiddleSex is the German word for “Avoidance of mirrors by the middle-aged.” And the Germans had weltanschauung and schadenfreude, too. The Germans must have had a word to describe my need to have a diagnosis I can hang my worries on, delusional or not, mixed with the fear I’ll be found out. (Say…

  • In Which I Wipe My Butt With My English Major

    “Well, try to remember it, George. Don’t forget and tell me it’s Elexander before you go, and then get out by saying it’s George Elexander when I catch you. And don’t go about women in that old calico. You do a girl tolerable poor, but you might fool men, maybe. Bless you, child, when you…

  • This is Why I Hate Squirrels

    He was just scooping the birdseed out in his little paw and shoving it into his face. To the right you can see Gary’s squirrel deterrent. Up till now the squirrels have been spiralling around the nut feeder, but now woodpeckers have found the squirrel feeder and I guess this is revenge.

  • Dog Day Afternoon

    My house seemed to be dirtier than ever this week, so while I was outside clipping up a dead shrub, the floor got Scoobaed. I left the back door open so I could hear if the Scooba made any plaintive “I’m Stuck” sounds, and so the dog could come out. He was out in the…

  • Libby and the Dance

    The lights in our conference rooms are on automated motion sensors. You walk into a dark room and suddenly it is illuminated, just because you are there. It was cool the first hundred times. You walk in to the darkened break room. The lights turns on to say, “Good morning. Would you like some toast?”…