The Germans Need a Word for This

Somewhere in MiddleSex is the German word for “Avoidance of mirrors by the middle-aged.” And the Germans had weltanschauung and schadenfreude, too. The Germans must have had a word to describe my need to have a diagnosis I can hang my worries on, delusional or not, mixed with the fear I’ll be found out.

(Say it with me, ” Are YOU a doctor? TELL ME, ARE YOU A DOCTOR?”)

After Gary’s Thanksgiving ER episode, in my fear and to my shame I went right to the internet even before we saw the GP.

“Blinding headache jaw pain over 50?” I said to the Internet.

Wikipedia answered, “Let me step in. ‘Headache in older people, particularly when associated with visual symptoms or jaw claudication, may indicate giant cell arteritis (GCA).’”

“Giant Cell Ateritis? What is that, Wikipedia?”

“It’s an inflammation of the arteries.”

I added, “caused by Gary’s routine plasma donations, I bet. And oh look, one symptom is a high sedimentation rate. The Red Cross people were just raving about how much iron was in Gary’s blood. But I bet it was Gary’s Giant Red Blood cells that were making the blood sink to the bottom of the test tube. Ah! It all fits together!”

“If not treated promptly, blindness may result,” Wikipedia coyly added.

“When is it too late for GCA” I typed. Internet had NO idea what I was talking about. Internet was done being helpful.

Still, I had a diagnosis tangible enough to worry about, because even wrong information is better to worry about than none at all.

The GP directed us to see the neurologist, and Gary eventually elected to see his regular epilepsy neurologist. That office said, “Get us the files and we’ll see how things look, then we’ll see when you need to come in, maybe six weeks.”

Armed with my Placebo Diagnosis of GCA, I was brave enough to call the neuro today to start faxing them tests.

“Oh, could he come in tomorrow at 8:30?” the nurse said.

“YES HE WILL BE THERE.” Incredible! Gary’s file was on her desk at that moment! Suddenly we are on the fast track! Why? WHY WHY WHAT IS WRONG AND WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO NICE TO US? I had three offices to call this afternoon and Gary had to sign forms and fax them and I tell you, the GPs office called me back after they sent the last fax to say,”Okay, we sent the fax to the neurologist and it went through.”

WHO DOES THAT?

So, I was up all night last night worrying about Gary, now I’ve spent all day worrying about Gary, and you would think I could find comfort in my Imaginary Diagnosis Friend, GCA.

I came home today and said, “Internet, tell me more about GCA,” and the Internet said, “Like I told you, symptoms are jaw pain, a throbbing headache -“

“What! Throbbing headache? You said migraine before!”

“No,” said the Internet, patiently, “I never said that. You said migraine, I just said headache.”

Suddenly I found no more comfort in my simple straightforward GCA diagnosis, with the Giant Cells that would be visible from a distance and the diagnosis so simple even I could figure it out. And I am glad to have turned my back on GCA, because vision loss starts after 1-2 weeks, and we are at 2 weeks tomorrow.

Diagnosenkomfort. I’ll need to find another for tonight if I’m going to get some sleep. Really really mild meningitis; that sounds treatable.