This has been successful twice now.
Step 1. Wait for your husband to yell at you for some minor mistake.
a. He must full-on YELL. He can’t be snippy, snide – he must bellow.
b. It must be a minor mistake.
i. Leave something like a set of keys on the counter.
ii. Drink your milk too slowly so it is full later and splashes when the couch is bumped.
Step 2. Remain non-plussed during the yelling and bide your time.
a. Remember his exact words.
i. “ELLEN! COME HERE! WHY CAN’T YOU EVER PUT YOUR STUFF AWAY?”
ii. “ELLEN! COME HERE! NEXT TIME YOU DRINK MILK, DRINK ALLLL THE MILK!”
Step 3. After a few hours, search through the house to see if your husband has done anything similar.
a. Let’s say he hung a jacket over the back of a chair.
b. Perhaps he only drank half his milk. Hmm.
Step 4. When you are sure he’s forgotten whatever your crimes were, call him into the room.
a. “GARY! Come in here.” Make it ominous. Sell it.
Step 5. Mimic him.
a. “LOOK AT THIS MILK HERE!”
b. “NEXT TIME YOU DRINK MILK, DRINK ALLLL THE MILK!”
i. He will start to laugh
ii. Don’t start to laugh yourself.
iii. Really lay it on thick. Chase him around the house yelling “NO! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”
I have failed twice now at Step 5.b.ii — I fall apart laughing running after him yelling, “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM! WHY CAN’T YOU DRINK ALLLL YOUR MILK?”
I hope it still works to make him laugh next time. Oh, and if you can time it so he’s eating food at the moment you yell, that’s a bonus.
6 responses to “A New Tactic”
You drink milk?
I’m glad you can take it. I guess I’m just too damn sensitive for my own good.
I hope it’s organic milk. You do not want to be messing around with that hormone stuff.
It’s a sign – my first thought was, “She drinks milk? Like, just straight milk? In a glass?”
I have lactose-free organic skim milk in the house, and I use it without a problem, but I have no idea what it would taste like to just fill up a glass and drink it.
Sounds too much like parenthood. But, if Gary ever yells at me for not finishing my drink at your house, I’ll know how to handle it.
saw the informant. dude is NOT bipolar. just a greedy man who can’t SHUT UP. AKA. attention whore.
and making up the lies gets him there.
so 11 million?
no wait, it was 9!!
Hattie – love milk. You have cows in Hawaii, don’t you drink milk?Becs – I was sensitive for five years, then started yelling back, then started walking away, and as I say this is a new tactic.Tami – I love lactose. I got a lactose test once and I ate nothing but cheese and milk the night before, because I thought I’d never see it again.Hot Mom – He did it again tonight, I swear. “Ellen! The dogs head is in your glass! DID YOU DRINK ALL YOUR MILK?”Ms Hall – You would know better thsn I.