This was the bidet in the master bath at the Four Seasons Suite.
I was disappointed. In my mind, a bidet is like an automated car wash for your nethers. This was a faucet, and it was positioned so that when I used it on my behind, yes, the water rushed past my bottom, moistened my previously SPOTLESS toilet-papered anus, rushed a little up into my rectum and moistened that area and then gravity brought the mix back down over my vulva and into the bowl. So, essentially, not a win. Like if a tsunami hit Belarus and then all the debris washes up in Poland, even closer to France, where you don’t want it to be. Essentially the bidet wiped my ass back to front.
But. (heh) Then I read up on Wikipedia Bidets and found No, You’re Doing It Wrong. First, “For a thorough cleaning, the user should use a hand to scrub the area with soap after wetting, then rinse. A dedicated towel or wipe is often available for drying.” and, look, the towel is right there in the photo. I used toilet paper to scrub, not my hand, thank you.
Another thing: if I want my front bits clean afterward I’m supposed to mount the bidet facing the wall. Never crossed my mind. Never. I know. When I think of all the positions I got myself into in my tub in my youth, when I could have just said, “Mom, could we get a bidet?”
Anyway, then the bidet link lead to the vastly superior Toilets in Japan Wikipedia page. My automated car wash bidet is evidently called a “Washlet.”
“The washlet can replace toilet paper completely, but many users opt to use both wash and paper in combination” –although use of paper may be omitted for cleaning of the vulva. Some wipe before washing, some wash before wiping, some wash only, and some wipe only” –each according to his/her taste.” [Ed. – I blame the translation for that.]
“Recently, researchers have added medical sensors into these toilets, which can measure the blood sugar based on the urine, and also measure the pulse, blood pressure, and the body fat content of the user.”
I can’t wait till my toilet can say, “It appears you’ve had some asparagus today, Miss Ellen. You’ve lost weight, haven’t you? Looks like you’ve got a bladder infection. Way to go, sister.”
But the best part of the Japanese page was the part on the Sound Princess.
I LOVE that the Japanese made a fake courtesy flush machine to save water. And I especially love it that no one uses it.
7 responses to “Bidet”
Is this a stab at toilet humor?
I have never wanted to make sweet love to a blogger before. You have captured my heart.
I shouldn’t send you a link to my own blog, but I have to: http://www.magpiemusing.com/2010/07/car-wash.html
There was only one bidet towel, even though they knew before we checked in that there would be four of us in the suite. That disturbs me.
Benchmark – “toilet” and “Stab” should never be used in the same sentence.Raphael – you are a bidet devotee. No devotees please, except for toe boys.magpie – that’s where I heard it!Caroline – Yes, that is so true. (They ordered a van to take me to the Chelsea handler show, because they thought we were all going.) Then again, they would have happily brought us as many bidet towels as we liked. Plus, do no forget: “Some wipe before washing, some wash before wiping, some wash only, and some wipe only.”
I find the bidet also has a helpful effect on constipation. I believe some Japanese toilets have that facility too, they being as a people much more in tune with bodily functions than us uptight Western types. Tightass, even.
Big Dot – Well, that would certainly make sense, given how helpful enemas can be. For other people. Me, I like a constipation vacation. Lots more free time for me.