Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: November 2010

  • Antiques Roadshow

    We join Antiques Roadshow currently in progress. Mr. S______: My wife found this at a Sears Outlet in Saint Charles, Missouri, in 1989. Appraiser: Do you have any idea what it is, or what it might have been used for at one time? Mr. S______: I did a little research and I know it’s some…

  • Things as They Should Have Been and Other Bullets

    I bought these shoes for me: …and this speck, just for me: … and this cheese, also for me: I did all these things instead of paying my real estate tax, personal property tax, Mom’s real estate tax, my insurance, or Mom’s insurance.Or any of my bills. Oh! Or Christmas shopping. Well, no, I found…

  • Movie Review: The Informant

    The Informant starring Matt Damon Things to love about this movie: Based on a true story. Tommy and Dickie Smothers play bit parts. Matt Damon plays me. Nominally he plays Mark Whitacre, a dim-witted whistle-blower who can’t keep his mouth shut. (Essentially, me.) And he looks like a big puppy all through the movie (see…

  • Turkey Day 2010

    MorningGary asks if I’m still bringing the burgundy pie (cranberries and blueberries) and the Marilyn Monroe dressing. He thinks I should. I say okay. Late MorningGary decides neither pie nor dressing is good enough for his family. They will spend Thanksgiving at home and wait for us to return. AfternoonGary regales his family with tales…

  • UPDATED: Marilyn Monroe’s Stuffing Exposed

    Gary was fascinated to find that there was a recipe for stuffing witten in Marilyn Monroe’s own hand. Here is how that played out. ==================== Interior, bedroom. Gary is waving his Blackberry in front of his wife’s face. Gary (shrieking): Look at this! We have to bring this to my parents on Thanksgiving! Ellen: We…

  • A Modest Proposal

    Once a year my GP gropes my breasts. I don’t like it, but I let him. The GP also makes my husband get naked down to his socks, because of Gary’s family history of skin cancer. This is unpleasant, not as unpleasant as a prostate exam, or my yearly vaginal exam by the crotch doctor.…

  • Saint Louis! Number One Most Dangerous City!

    Yes, I am automatically edgy and sophisticated because per the national news I live in Saint Louis, Most Dangerous City in the USA. Only, no one lives in the five-square-miles designated as Saint Louis proper, which is why we won “Most Dangerous City.” Say you go downtown to a Cards game, where you are murdered…

  • Seventy Degrees in November

    It was, truly, seventy degrees today. Weather.com should have just put up a banner that read: You can either hang Christmas lights or clean up leaves! God will punish those who stay inside today. We cleaned up leaves. I am exhausted and leaf mold is up my nose and I have mud in my sinuses.…

  • This. That. The Other.

    We got enough sleep Saturday that we’ve accomplished some yard work. This is the best tool ever invented: It’s a clamping alligator lopper. Imagine a pair of power scissors. You clamp on to a tree limb, a shrub stump; the tool goes “chomp chomp chomp nerrrrr” and is sawed through. Visceral. I’ve decided I am…

  • Spunky Goes Out Half-Naked

    I called Gary right before my pedicure and made dinner plans for immediately after. You see where this is going. Of course I was cast out of Snooty West County Salon in the shoes of shame, the flip-flops of poor planning, the little disposable thongs you get to protect your pedicure in case you didn’t…