A Modest Proposal

Once a year my GP gropes my breasts. I don’t like it, but I let him. The GP also makes my husband get naked down to his socks, because of Gary’s family history of skin cancer. This is unpleasant, not as unpleasant as a prostate exam, or my yearly vaginal exam by the crotch doctor.

Afterward, I’m glad to know our chances of getting cancer are reduced. Of course, I’d say my chances of getting cancer are slim anyway. We don’t have very much cancer amongst my blood relatives. Still, every once in a while my GPs palms-front breast grope leads to a mammography, and they beam radiation at my flattened boobs.

I imagine I could say these tests are excessive and invasive, especially because I really doubt I’m at risk. Do I look like someone with cancer? It’s pretty obvious I’m healthy.

Still, sometimes we let ourselves be violated by professionals to ensure our continued safety. So I say we give these TSA folks white jackets, stitch Doctor in front of their names, and pay them ten times as much.

That’s expensive, though. Even better, we combine a breast exam with security screening. The security line leads into a waiting room (and we always expect a one – two hour wait there anyway). Then a nurse comes in and asks us to put on the paper clothes, walk though the Naked X-Ray Machine, and get a free breast exam. It would be like the MammoMobile, but at the airport. Afterward you get dressed and head for your gate. Everyone on the plane would be done with a tedious health chore and checked for explosives.

What about men? Men could get prostate exams / anal bomb checks. Kids would be inspected for measles, maybe. That requires a little nudity. Then, and this is the best part, we could bill our insurance.