Call Me Tantalus: Medical Edition

The punishments of Tantalus in Hades were:

1) To stand chin-deep in water, which would drain away when he tried to drink.

2) To have a rock suspended over his head, and

3) To have grapes and fruit overhead, but if he tried to reach for it, it would be lifted up by the wind.

I have had the grapes and the rock overhead since my doctor’s office called Friday afternoon. I had my yearly physical Thursday, and the office has my blood results already.

“Your liver tests came back elevated. You need to make an appointment for an ultrasound to look at your right upper quadrant, and then another blood test in two to three weeks. And the doctor wants you to avoid alcohol during that time.”

So, here we have the grapes:

That’s a lot of open bottles of red wine there. I accumulated those and drank minimally from them in the last three weeks. And now I can’t drink any of it. I was just starting to enjoy the wine. Not the Beaujolais, but the Lambrusco was fun and the Pinot Noir was drinkable.

“CHEEEEESE!” I thought. “I have to still be able to eat the cheese! And the macaron! And the ice cream!”

I said, “Wait! How were my blood sugar and triglycerides?”

“Blood sugar 90 … Triglycerides are 165 … but that’s down from 219 before.”

So, I see that as a window of 54 triglycerides I can pack in to my system, and I couldn’t ask for better blood sugar. Bring on chocolate and cheese, at least.

I got the exact numbers for the liver test so I could “give them to the clinical trial nurse” (look up what a normal range is on the internet.) AST-52, ALT-109. A little high.

When I got on the internet, of course, I felt the shadow of the rock suspended over my head. I read all the problems I could have. (Meckel-Gruber Syndrome was in the lead. Sufferers often have an extra digit (me! me!) and Central Nervous System problems (me!). However, I didn’t die as a child. (alive!))

All this health studying reminded me I needed to create an account on the BJC web site, because they have this new thing where you can get the results of any test you have at a BJC hospital. Results YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I saw the result of the latest CT scan, including the detail that I have “Healed bilateral rib fractures.” When the hell did that happen? I’ve never cracked a rib. I’ve never broken a bone.

So, back to the nurse. She said I’ll have to get more bloodwork and an ultrasound for my “right upper quadrant” when I get back from teetotalling in Paris.

Finally, she shared one more bit of information:

‘”Oh, and your urine shows you have a bladder infection. Of course.”

At least Tantalus got punished for something he did. He cooked his son and served him at a banquet. I am being punished with a bladder infection for NO reason. (We’re saving it up. For Paris. Yeah.)