Evidently today is the day that Father Ghosts rise up and say, “Stop obsessing about your Mom! We’re dead too. Pay attention to us!”
Evidently, attention must be paid to these men. Neither is a dead salesman, though, Jerry was a newspaper editor and Dan was a Purchasing Agent.
A recap: here, or in short:
Mom met Dan.
Mom met Jerry, dumped Dan.
Mom married Jerry and had me and Dave.
Jerry dumped Mom.
Mom found Dan again.
Mom married Dan, her true love.
Jerry’s Bid For Attention Today
The topic of conversation at lunch today was whether or not one is filled with inexpressible love for ones baby the moment it is born. (“That’s all bullshit,” said my expert.) (That may not be your experience, but don’t argue with my expert.) At dinner, I told Gary we need extra birth control because I can’t fall back on the “bullshit” hormonal safety net if case we have an Accident. And then talk turned to men who just never seem to bond with their kids, and then to Jerry, the Technical Father.
“What did Jerry do for a living?” Gary asked.
“When Dave found him he was the City Editor for the McAllister Oklahoma paper. He was also drinking, and living with his Mom.”
“I had no idea he sunk so low! You never told me that!” Gary was shocked.
“What? That he was a drunk?”
“No, that he was living with his Mom.”
So. Gary Ethics say: puking up Antabuse, fine, living with your Mom, not cool.
Dan’s Bid for Attention Today
Recently there was a sad tale of two sisters who gambled on the lottery for years, had a falling out, then one of them won half a million, and then the other wanted to share. It reminded me of how Dan would bet on the lottery, first he would size up … (You aren’t paying any attention, are you. The sister who bought the ticket got to keep all the money. Okay?)
First, he would size up the blood alcohol level of his bar-mates. If any were drunk enough, Dad would chat him up. “Hey, I was feeling lucky, and I thought I would buy a lottery ticket, but I’m about 20 cents shy. Loan me twenty cents, and I’ll give you twenty percent of the winnings.” And of course they would “invest,” and OF COURSE Dan would have the same conversation with about ten or fifteen people at the bar, always needing just about 20 cents, and by the time Dan had worked the room into a Big Lotto Syndicate, none of whom had ever seen “The Producers,” the Lottery drawing would be on and they would all lose. Awwwwww.
That kind of makes Dan sound like a drunken grifter. He wasn’t. It’s not like he was living with his Mom, at least.
6 responses to “My Two Dads”
I’m wearing a cardboard belt!
(The Producers is one of the all time great movies.)
Magpie – “I’m WET! I’m hysterical and I’m WET!” and our favorite, “He keeps boids.”
Sometimes you bond instantly with your infant, and sometimes you don’tThe Expert on Motherhood
I’ve never managed to sit through the Producers all the way. At some point, I am incredibly embarrassed and must go into the other room.
I’ve not had an infant of my own, but with kittens and puppies, it can sometimes take a few weeks for full bonding, especially when cleaning up puppy poo off the carpet.
Apropos of nothing at all, I must tell you this stupid thing. There’s a fairly new commercial for a product called “Colon Flow”. It’s some sort of super laxative for those who (according to the commercial) poop once a day or less. It makes me think of two things — you, and some obscure joke I can’t really remember except that it referred to something as “Colon Blow”.
Both of these associations disturb me, so I’m confessing here in hopes they will go away and bother someone else.
I’m now recalling the SNL sketch called “Colon Blow”. It had Phil Hartman on a giant pyramid/mountain of cereal, and was pretty funny.
I’ve also realized that I have no idea what “regular” really means, and I find that incredibly disturbing.
Hattie – From her letters, Mom bonded with Dave and not so much with me. So, goes to show.Sherri – Actually,my little friend Colon now comes to visit me every day. My inner child is VERY proud of us.Tami – Colonblow. Real stuff. Colon Blow Hot Sauce.