Last night, Gary and I were talking about hopes and dreams, as you do, and I said “I think all I ever wanted to be was a good wife.”
If you live in the Saint Louis Metro area, you may have wondered what the booming sound was at about 9:00. That was Gary’s guffaw.
And I quote.“BWHA!”
“What? I’m a good wife! Aren’t I?”
“Oh, yeah,” he sneered, “Every day when I come home, the kids are playing and the house is clean and dinner is in the oven.”
“You don’t have to have kids to be a good wife,” I protested.
“Okay, wife, get me a soda.”
“I didn’t say good ‘slave.’” Also, I didn’t get him a soda.
I mean, I know I do things a good wife should. I’ve been faithful. I listen to him rant when he needs to. I put the toilet paper on the roll his way: the “wrong” way. I do anything he asks, sexually, including “Get away from me.”
I had lunch today with Friends 2-4, inclusive, and they tried to help me hammer it out.
Friend #4 had an inspiration. “Have you tried preparing his food in a cone shape and then rotating the plate so it’s always in front of him?”
So what do you do? I know a wife isn’t supposed to be confused with a mother figure, but what do you do when that’s what he seems to want?
36 responses to “Good Wife”
“…anything he asks, sexually, including Get Away From Me”
Funniest. Sentence. Ever.
Honey if I knew how to be a good wife I probably wouldn’t have been divorced!
I have to agree with gaoo. F4’s suggestion also had me in stitches.
Leaving aside the fact that this is the kind of conversation my husband and I would have only when the rising waters were lapping our chins, I think we need to bring under consideration the question: Has Gary been a good husband?
Oh, and I would NEVER submit to putting the toilet paper the wrong way round.
Based on certai9n criteria presented I am the worst wife ever. I do not submit to whatever he wants sexually, it’s more about what I want. Generally he cooks and does at least half the cleaning. No kids, ever. I work damned hard and I am not here to pander to the “needs” of a male.
Uh. Well I’ve been married more than 45 years and I’m a lousy wife. Maybe that’s the secret. I don’t give a rip. Like it or lump it, that’s my motto.
1. Get a cleaning woman / person / service.
2. Hire a once-a-week chef.
3. Get him gift certificates for massages (the real kind, not the skanky kind.)
4. Tell him to take a flying leap. Actually, this might be #1.
I am SO not the right person to give this advice, but that’s never stopped me before. If my husband wants his mommy, or someone to act like his mommy, I tell him to be careful that the door doesn’t hit him on the ass on the way TO his mommy’s.ps, Gary’s being a butt. The fact that none of us have throttled them in their sleep meets all my criteria for being a good wife.
Why the f*ck does Gary, who has been married to you all this time and should realize what “wife” ALREADY MEANS TO HIM, think that’s what “wife” means to him?
Seriously, he thinks that “good wife” means “mom and domestic slave”?
Hire children, have them playing with his toys when he comes home (while dinner is in the oven, of course). See if you can make sure that they damage his toys, somehow. Then, ask how “good” he thinks this is.
I’m mad about this. He’s being really stupid, and I go right for the property damage when I’m mad.
Tell Gary that I had to de-lurk after two years of successful lurkage in order to post! The whole kids, dinner, clean house thing? Yeah that’s actually a job and since you aren’t a housewife, it’s not your job. Emotional support is more important than any one particular action or actions.
so, THAT’s a good question, what makes a good wife? And keep in mind that as I answer, I am a career minded gal, I have a master’s degree, i have feminist leaning, I am an excellent mother of two, all equality and such . . . the answer to being a good wife . . in the end . . is this, “keeping his balls empty and his belly full.” that, in the end, is the key to being a good wife. 🙂
The last thing I have ever thought about wanting to be is a good wife. It was more important to me that I find someone who’d be a good husband…someone who’d cater to ME so I focus on my goal to laze around and do nothing.
Support, encouragement and enjoying each other’s company make for the longest lasting relationships I know.
Yeah, I got nothing. My longest relationship was a little over two years and we weren’t married. Maybe I could make a list of all the things I did and then we could run it through some kind of inverse matrix?
Gaoo – It’s funny because it’s sad.Mjm (Hi Marlo!) – Really? You blame yourself for that?jessica fantastica – I agree. It was one of those “..aaaaand thank you for the blog post” moments.Big Dot – well, here’s the thing, once I pouted for 36 hours he caught on and explained that I’m a good partner, and if we use that definition we are great partners. Not good husbands or wives.Zayrina – I work hard, but not when I’m at home. Then again, neither does he.Hattie – That’s Gary’s motto too. And Mom’s, come to think of it.Becs – on further discussion, he said he doesn’t think of me as a “wife” because I protested strongly about the use of that word in the Catholic wedding vows. He says. Is that word used?Shania – Yes, and now that things are resolved he’s being a bigger butt. I was weeding the flowers when he got home and he commented it was a very “wifely” thing to do.Tami – if it makes you feel any better, I was mad, and now we’re back on track for going to Paris, volcano or not.Gayle! Gasp! Hi Gayle! – TWO years! Gayle’s shy, everyone, don’t make her feel self-conscious. And yes, especially because gary requires and above-average amount of emotional support, since he’s very in touch with his emotions.Mrs Hall – that is delightfully vulgar.Love it.Faythe – Your family (I count Notchy) is lucky to have you to laze with.Gayle! Twice! – That’s how I feel too, but as I say, Gary called me a partner, not a wife, when he clarified himself. He also resists calling the two of us a “family.” We both certainly enjoy each other.Amy_in_StL – Ah! Learning by bad example? I like it. Let me know if you cleaned; I’ll stop doing that immediately.
Hardly the arbiter of All Things Catholic, but as I recall, 30 years ago in a small church in Richmond, VA, the words “husband” and “wife” were used. Two way street. These days, no idea what’s said although for awhile priests were pretty lenient about all that stuff. But we’re going old school now, so probably back to h&w. Although the Church does have some pretty firm words about the role of the husband.
OMG! How did you know? I did clean! I once even scrubbed the floor on my knees and took up cleaning the bathroom because – well, because boys are gross.
Becs – Well, when I protested, I think I was anticipating “man and wife,” not the more enlightened “husband and wife.”Amy in StL – If you ever have a boy child, teach him to clean up his pee off the floor with some toilet paper like my mother-in-law did. I thank her for that daily.
Wait, ‘daily’? How do you know? If from observation, then the toilet paper’s not doing the job, so to speak. If from confession that it’s a daily occurrence, isn’t it time to introduce the concept of sitting? For years I didn’t know that it was physiologically possible, but now that I do, that’s what I push for. Masculinity issues just don’t arise after 30 years.
And I’d like it to be known that I resisted a cheap joke at his expense right there.
This post confirms what I already knew– you are the funniest person I know! : )
Big Dot – You know, I once worked out with Gary what his rules are for when to sit and when to stand.It is very complex. It has something to do with stalls and pooping and if there are others there and if they see you stand, and you are in the stall, then they wonder why you arent out there at the urinal, unless you have flushed. I don’t remember it all. All I know is there is never pee for me to wipe up.Rachel – No. Friend #4 is the funniest person you know, I just transcribed it.
Ok, well you are still the only one I’m buying skulls for. Oh and don’t forget the new holiday I invented- Ellen from St. Louis day!
Oops! I try to be witty too fast for my own good. Actually Christy bought that skull– but I decorated the bag and helped pick it out (all with enthusiasm for that day)!
Rachel – I give you credit for the thought. I did completly forget I had a day, though! Did you hear – BNL in Chicago in July? (In Camden NJ as well.)
Camden? That’s a horrible town with a really nice arena. Huh.
Tami – The show is at the Susquehanna Bank Center – is that the arena?
I heard about Chicago– I’m ready!
Rachel – Ooo- and it’s 21+ event! It’s a Friday – would you stay in Chicago after?
It looks like either my post from yesterday didn’t stick or it was user error (or secret option #3, I only posted in my head). Anyway what I said was– I did hear about Chicago and I am ready!
Rachel – No, it’s right there, a few posts up. Sometimes if there are many comments we get two pages and you have to use the “>>” and “<<" right above "Post a comment."
Damn that arrow is little- how’d I miss that? And yes, I would stay in Chicago : )
Rachel – weird.It’s at a church?
I know, right? Does this mean Ed will say less Ed stuff? Because that’s no church I want to go to. I guess a church that gives you five free drinks with your ticket can’t be all that bad : )
Rachel – they had me at 21+ only show
Haha! They had me at show– I’m addicted : )