We were interrogating the new co-worker.
“Where do you live?”
“Oh, off of Elm, by the river.”
(Gasps of horror.)
“Oh my God. You live in New Town.”
“NO! NO, I don’t!”
Whew, all said, and then commenced a group review of New Town.
“Freaky.”
“Weird. Just creeped me out.”
“Like Stepford.”
“Yeah.”
“Like Stepford in the cornfields.”
“Yeah. You don’t live there, do you?”
“God, no.”
I’d heard of New Town. It’s a planned community down by the river. I thought I might wikipedia it, so you could see some photos. First I looked up Celebration Florida, the first planned community I’d ever heard of. Then, hey, maybe New Town is on Wikipedia. Guess what? They don’t call them planned communities anymore. They call them New Towns.
I had heard Mom describe it years ago, and the image I had in my head was of a collection of Georgian row houses. Down by the river, instead of Regent’s Park. Everything was said to be in walking distance. “Cool,” I thought. “I need to take that New Town exit sometime. That sounds pretty.”
The work conversation piqued my interest, so sometime came ’round on Sunday. So we motored to New Town.
It’s wrong. It’s so, so, wrong. First, it is no longer in the cornfield, it is a disease spreading across the cornfield. You know how DisneyWorld is “in” Florida, while DisneyLand is “IN” Anaheim? This is DisneyLand. Not so isolated anymore at all.
The first thing you see when you drive in are the display homes. “Ew,” I said, “It isn’t all Georgian. It’s a row house next to a bungalow next to a French Quarter home next to a brownstone.”
You know what’s worse? Driving past the display homes. To the “Brownstone” block, then a few blocks later the “French Quarter” block, then the Town Square. Main Street. I looked for that store where you can get ice cream cones for a nickel, like at DisneyWorld. Then you pass Futureworld, then you pass the church (THE church), then you pass the giant sign titled “The Colors of New Town” — the colors you are allowed to select for your New Town home. Which had better coordinate with the home next door, because there’s about ten inches of side yard separating you and your neighbor.
It was such false diversity. “Be unique, as long as you conform!” I smell trouble in New Town.
I can see the Great New Town Riots of 2115.
Does anyone out there live in New Town, or in a New Town? What’s it really like? ‘Cause Gary wants to move there.
18 responses to “New Town”
Ew, creepy, creepy! Celebration doesn’t look this creepy because it’s in Florida and everything there is fake, anyway. But Missouri – come on, that’s Twain country. It’s heartland, it’s Midwest. This New Town is just so, so wrong.
I was fascinated by the concept, but repelled by the reality.Have you seen the episode of X-Files with the garbage monster that attacks anyone who is not conforming with neighborhood covenants? That’s what I picture happening there at night. Always leave before sundown.
You’re probably not allowed to hang your laundry outside, or plant vegetables in your front yard. I hate rules.
I’ve lived around the corner from one and used to shop there. The shopping “district” (?) was near the main road so you could just pop in and get your groceries at the giant Meijers or Target and then pop back out again. Creepy, but then again perhaps uber convenient? The one church thing is freaky though– like something out of a B movie.
Run away, Queen, run away. I have friends who live in one of these communities. Yeah, they’re here in WV, too. Unless you really like your neighbors, in a Big Love kinda way, you will be miserable. Walk out on your deck? There’s the neighbors! Take your trash out? There they are again. Stumble home drunk at 2a.m.? You get the picture.
ick. you do NOT want to live there.
In the late 70s early 80s I lived on Wanegarden Drive, in Churchill, a planned community in Germantown, Maryland. Daughter was toddler to first grade then, and the fact that almost everything we needed was within walking distance was very convenient (and saved on gas). That was good.However, the people who ran for election to the community governing board tended to be power-mad egocentric shallow idiots. That was exceedingly bad, and turned me off to planned communities forever.
Are those real pictures of the houses? The brownstone one is icky.(But I kind of the liked the French Quarter one….I’m a sucker for porches.)
I live in the condo version of this here in the Lou. It’s a large condo community that is run by people who have lived there for years and they don’t even allow bird feeders on the back porch!Also, those of us who deal with floodplain development and management can’t wait until the next big flood. I think we’re planning a party to watch the pseudo-rich in New Town complain about their perfect new homes being flooded. And they will be. Yes.
All the houses look much too close together. Don’t they at least have driveways in between? I have to admit I really like the French Quarter style house. It would be really great to have one like that if I lived in New Orleans (or maybe even in Soulard).PS: please drop by my blog and watch my short video and give me your input. Thanks!
This is what I pictured when I read that part in A Wrinkle in Time where all the identical children come out of their identical houses at the same time and bounce their identical red balls on the sidewalk in sync.
Man, I always railed against neighborhoods where all the houses look the same, and then I bought a house on a street full of cape cods, all built within a few years of one another, by the same builder, with the same floor plan. We don’t have any neighborhood association, which is good, and the houses were super run-down and therefore cheap, so all my neighbors are funky fixer-upper types. Plus, we all end up doing the same renovations at the same time (everybody got new roofs 2 years ago, new bathrooms this year) because everything falls apart at the same time. Which means we get good contractors because if someone does a good job, we all end up hiring him. (Bad contractors, well, you’re on your own with that one.)I guess I get the appeal of the super-squeaky-clean planned community with the community rules against playsets and front yard gardens, and huge Home Owner Associations and whatnot… but it’s not my style. Old and funky and cheap and busted— that’s how I roll.
TasterSpoon–yes, exactly!Styro, you just described my first house. All of these places give me the creeps, but I try to remind myself lots of people seem to like them. *shudder*
I just realized what wigs me out the most about these “planned communities.” Where all my minority neighbors at??? Really, I mean, who wants to live surrounded by a thousand upper-middle-class honkeys? Bogus. I like my gay/black/elderly/crazy/tattooed neighborhood.
New Town is the same idea as Wing Haven minus the golf course.
It looks like a town I once created in SimCity, where all the residents were unhappy and moved away.
Little boxes. Little boxes. Little boxes full of ticky tack . . . you get the picture. I visited New Town with a power-hungry developer ex-boyfriend about three years ago, before the canals were built. It scared the hell out of me then and it still frightens me to death. Lurking beyond those little boxes are scandalous little lives. Our neighbors in Winghaven were swingers, the others were fighters. No privacy. No secrets. No way. Save yourselves! No New Town!
Weird. I swear I replied to this last night. My fear now is that I typed all this into someone else’s blog.Becs – Hey! We can be as fake as the coasts.Caroline – my TeddyJ litter is seeing the X-Files movie on Friday. I never got into that show.magpie – Well, our subdivision has that same rule about the laundry. It isnt enforced.yookie (aka tonya) – I can’t picture that at all: Target isn’t from the Fake Quaint period.Shania – I just realized my next door neighbor is gone. This is the second next door neighbor in a row.Erin G. – but … look at those cute brownstones.~~Silk – I just realized we walked to school and the store and the library when I was 5 and lived in Houston.That wasn’t planned.melati – really? I like brownstones. Of course, it’s hysterical that they are all packed so close together because there’s no room in New York — wait — this is a cornfield.Amy in StL – That last bit sounded evil! Like God will punish them for their architecture.KC – It’s that tightly packed cornfield again.TasterSpoon – The only thing I remember about that book is the word “tesserect.” I need to re-read that. styro – that’s how I’d like to roll too … but the new houses with no character were so much cheaper.Jammies – I can see the appeal. If I was in the house and not looking at it from the outside.styro – Yes. In Saint Louis your community would be U. City. I always wanted to live there.Catherine the Red – based on Ashley’s comments, you might be right.Candy – They didn’t die? All my Sims die or explode into flames and then die.Ashley – Any insulated place has those scandals. Junior High, summer camp, band camp, planned communities.