While I’ve been enjoying the news stories about drunken astronauts and the Cat O’ Death, the story of Lindsay Lohan’s recent arrest has really grabbed me. I love this e-mail she sent to Access Hollywood:
Sic.
At first, I let the punctuation slide because she used “They’re” correctly. Then my eyes sizzled inside my head, and I returned to this email to try to make sense of it.
Line One:
“I am innocent … did not do drugs they’re not mine.”
Lets look at this content-packed message and focus on the first of the two punctuation marks, the ellipsis. On one hand, you may have seen the ellipsis used in scripts to suggest where the actor’s voice should trail off, and you may have wanted to give your protestation a plaintive tone. Alternatively, you may be using the ellipsis to indicate some text was omitted. Perhaps you originally wrote “I am innocent [of being anything but a drug mule. Sure, I’m a coke head, but that night I] did not do drugs they’re not mine [Delicious Jack the dealer would tear off my nose if I took some off the top of my delivery package].”
Line Two
“I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom.”
First, I am going to have to force some more punctuation on you. Without a period after “Tarin’s mom” you suggest this assault is the reason you need your privacy. As opposed to, say, the drug bust. I would recommend you go to rehab, but rehab is probably all booked up with anti-Semites, predatory politicians, and manic-depressive pop stars. (Why isn’t Britney in a mental health facility? Bitch is crazy, y’all.) Good job with the apostrophe, though.
Line Three
” I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy”
Given the tense, I can only imagine you are indeed thanking the Access Hollywood people for the privacy they have already afforded you. I imagine they phoned you and said, “Hey, we think you need some space. Let’s give you a little time to chill. Later! Kisses!”
Then, I read this message sent by your younger sister Ali:
“My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.”
That made you look pretty good, Lindsay. Then I felt guilty and a little snobby. I mean, my emails can be pretty loose. Then I realized you are actually using the time-honored haiku form:
“I am innocent
Did not do drugs they’re not mine
I was almost hit
By my assistant
Tar’n’s mom – I appreciate
ev’ryone giving
Me my privacy
Holla Access Hollywood!
Yours, Lindsay Lohan”
13 responses to “I Am Lindsay Lohan’s Self-Appointed Editor”
The way our education system is heading, I’ll bet students will be allowed to finish their Ph.D. theses in haiku.
The scary thing is that these two girls (don’t know how old they are) actually graduated from high school.
Love. This. You’re awesome.
I cringed the way I do when I read the notes my cleaning lady leaves, and she’s definitely “underedumacated”. I think my least favorite of all the grammar errors, and the one that makes me want to gouge out my eyes, or stick ice picks in my ears is “her/him and I/me”.I’m not sure why I always make the assumption that if these people are in the public eye, they must be literate. The GWB Experience should have taught me better than that.
She’s a poet and didn’t know it.
Friend #3 – and why was that comment not in an haiku?Becs – Really? You are sure? That seems impossible. Then again … no, I was about to cut them some slack, but no.cindezio – No! Not awesome! Mean! Christy – GWB can always fall back on the “undiagnosed dyslexia” excuse. ajooja – She’s an artist and we didn’t know it.
Sigh. If only every celebrity wrote their crazy notes in haiku. I reckon Britney’s apology to the paparazzi when she went nuts on the car would look something like this:Hey, y’all! Sorry Ibanged up your SUV. Itwas for a roll – oops!
Catherine – So, Nicole Richie would be:I am great with child!All those cars were in my lane!What Would Paris Do?
“Lets look at this content-packed message …”Solely because this is an entry on punctuation and editing, I am going to very delicately point out that perhaps an apostrophe would be nice in that first word. *cringes* However, seeing that you’re royalty, I would not argue further if you told me that you felt allergic to apostrophes in that particular moment of writing or some other such reasonable explanation.P.S. I absolutely love this entry. Your writing is brilliant, as always.P.P.S. I undoubtedly made a grammatical error in this comment, so please excuse my hypocrisy.
Rachelskirts – Really? You only saw ONE mistake? I thought about double-checking it all but then I would never have been finished. GOOD groveling by the way! VERY nicely done.I wouldn’t say a word about any error you made, even if I hunted for one, because I’d never want to discourage you. I can’t believe one as young as you can write so well. I think you must be in your fifties. In fact, you might be the guy who write Jesus’ blog! (This is in contrast to my first draft, which was “Whoo! Check out the big balls on Rachelskirts!”)
Haha, my mother has established a reputation as “The Queen” here in our little neck of the woods. In fact, she has the entire church staff (she’s the bookkeeper) referring to themselves as her minions. Though I’m allowed to refer to and consider myself as “The Princess,” I’ve been well-trained in the art of groveling at the feet of those higher up the royal food chain.Also, I must say that I didn’t even look for other mistakes, and I truthfully wasn’t searching for the one I found. It just kinda jumped out at me, and I was hoping to slyly let you know before someone very mean and evil came by to make a snarky remark about it. Though, truthfully, the very fact that I pointed it out at all inevitably makes me look like that very same snarky person. *sigh*Anyway, I’m glad that you like my writing (“thrilled,” actually, would be a better word… or “ridiculously giddy”) and my groveling, and I can only hope that you don’t take any offense in my oh-so-risky comment. I look forward to many more days of reading your wonderful blog. Seriously, you seem like such a lovely person, and I never cease to be excited about seeing a new post of yours show up on Google Reader. Cheers!
Good heavens, I ramble a lot in comments. My bad.
Watch it, you’re going to provoke the Troll. And this made me realize I didn’t actually have you in Bloglines. That’s been rectified.