Tae Kwon Bo

So, since the neurologist slapped me into an MRI for my “balance issues,” I have been paying careful attention to my balance. Generally, I pay the most careful attention when I lose my balance and fall over. This has only happened twice in the last two weeks: once as I was demonstrating to Mom the way Gary chews using only the right side of his mouth, and once as I was putting on my underpants.

I thought from the bedroom floor, I need to work on my balance. I should take yoga again.

Years ago, I took a yoga class offered by the MS society. And if you too always felt unfit and uncoordinated in gym class, I strongly recommend the MS Society yoga classes. I have never felt so athletic. I was the most coordinated person in class! I could do all the positions! There was nothing I couldn’t do! Hell, I could walk, which was better than one-third of the class. MS Yoga also costs only $35 for six one-hour classes.

(Oh, wait, YOU can’t take the class, YOU don’t have a letter from your neurologist! Suckmyballs!)

At any rate, just today the MS Society sent me an email advertising a new class. I’m not looking up the precise name, but I believe it is Tae Bo. I think this is the exercise program used by the elderly people (the ones who go boating, and garden in the little plots in the in the senior center brochure photos). One moves slowly, and I believe there is a lot of standing on one foot, which is my particular concern.

So I told Gary I was thinking of signing up for Tae Bo.

“Oh, I know all about Tae Bo,” he said. “My sister Sandy took Tae Bo. She had a belt and everything.”
“A belt? No, you’re thinking of Tae Kwon Do.”
“Don’t tell me what my sister took! You weren’t there! It got out a lot of her aggressions since it’s a martial art.”
“No, really that’s Tae Kwon Do. I’m almost certain. This is for balance. Old people do it.”
“I’ve never heard of this Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, the thing old people use for balance, Tae Bo. Sandy took it for self-defense.”

(Okay, I was pretty sure at this point he was confusing the two.)

“You are confusing the two,” I said, even though I knew this would set him off.
“No, I am telling you, it’s an ancient martial art self defense thing! But it’s good for old people’s balance, too, but they have to do it slowly.”
“So, someone attacks you, and you very slllooooowwwlllyy karate-chop them.”

He sighed, rolled his eyes, and made a pinkie bet. He postulates that Tae Bo is a martial art that young people use for self defense, but when you are old, you go out in the morning and do the same moves in slow motion.

And you know, I am so sure he is wrong now that I’m just going to post this without even looking it up in Wikipedia.

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Update: Okay, raise your hand if you knew the whole time it was a Tai Chi class the MS Society offered. Sigh. Fine. At least I want credit for not going back and editing this post so I don’t look like a moron. I’m a moron, but at least I have integrity. Please, let the “unbalanced” jokes begin.