Do most men have friends?
My Dad had friends. When I was 11 or so he lost his job and I noticed a lot of his friends were no longer calling him to go play golf or just to chat. When I asked why, my Dad the purchasing agent explained, “No, they weren’t friends, they were salespeople. It was their job.” Still, he had genuine friends as well: the other attendees of Normandy High School (where young lads evidently swam naked), his Friday friends at the local bar, his golfing friends he made through Mom.
I expressed to Mom my concern that Gary didn’t have as many friends as Dad. In fact, Gary has no friends. We had to drum up virtual strangers to stand up for him at our wedding. I don’t know why, he had friends in high school. Mom assured me that Dad was a freak and almost none of the men she knows have friends.
Gary is very friendly, don’t get me wrong. He can talk to strangers as if they are family. He’s the gracious host when I have people over. The people he works with persist in inviting him to weddings and poker parties and visits to strip clubs. But he always says no, no matter how close he is to the co-worker or how inviting the strip club. He just doesn’t want to spend free time with anyone. “You’re my friend,” he insists when I call him out on this topic. I am his only friend, a little glowing friend, and this troubles me. He’s born to be a friend and he cuts himself off from everyone.
Now, granted, I loves me the distance when I’m with strangers, but at some point I metaphorically tear off my clothes and roll on the floor naked with my friends. I’m going to dinner tonight with Friend #1 and some of her friends, and my guess is by the end of the evening we’ll all be metaphorically naked and discussing our warts and scars. (I’m sure Catherine’s friends are terrified just reading this.) If I have a problem, all my friends hear about it, some of them even hear the version unvarnished with humor.
I’m thinking about this today because both social events taking place this weekend do not involve Gary. Dinner at 11-11 Mississippi, which he loves, with Catherine and her friends? Nope. Superbowl Party at his sister’s house? Nope. 11-11 Mississippi is our restaurant. Superbowl in our house is private togetherness time.
It’s not a problem, because I accept the invitations and go without Gary (except for the Superbowl, which is our private experience). How do I develop Gary into a social butterfly? Or is it okay for a man to stay a caterpillar?
6 responses to “Broken Social Scene”
Am thinking hard and realize I do not know any men over the age of 35 with friends. This is scary and sad.Then again, my friend-o-meter is pretty close to zero, too.
I think my husband has a few friends here, and lots of old ones that pop up now and again. He would have many more if he didn’t set up impossibly high standards for people. Which is just a defense mechanism, in my book.
Yeah, Matt makes me make the friends, and then he just gloms on to the sig-o of the said friend. Then he’s all, “My friend, Scott….”and I’m all, “You mean Scott, the husband of MY friend Nancy…”It’s creepy.
My sense is that men have situational friends. Friends they see while doing X hobby. Friends they run into at the gym. Friends from work they’ll chat in the break room with.I think they like these people in their specific contexts but it doesn’t occur to them to see them out of those contexts. and I don’t know that they would call these people if they were in a pinch or needed a ride to the airport. I don’t know what they do then, if they don’t have a sibling.
I have to agree with TasterSpoon on this one. My hubby also seems to have only situational friends. These friends never come to the house. I think hubby would be shocked if any of them ever knocked on our door. But the more I think about it, I’m the same way… I have a large group of theatre “friends” who I only seeing during theatre season. Otherwise, they fall off my radar. I do have lots of email and blog friends, but I don’t think hubby has even those kind of friends.
I guess it’s true that men and women have situational friends, but only women feel the urge to bridge the gap between “situational” friends to “whenever” friends.