First, an aside: It appears that Breathalyzer results notwithstanding, I was drunk at the Conservabration, evidenced by the fact that I went out and bought the Crossfade CD. Not only is it, as Tony the Late Tiger would say, Crrrrrrap!, it also has some type of Digital Rights Management setting that tries to install software on your PC so you can’t run iTunes.
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The Perfect S______ storm (oh…that was a big hint), or three birthdays and Valentine’s Day celebrated at the in-laws, became a harmonious affair as soon as the outsider arrived: Arzaana-fay’s boyfriend … uhhh … Ack-Zay. Which is not to say the in-laws were not their usual nutty selves, they just didn’t squabble.
For example, our niece got up to go to the bathroom, coughing.
“Oh, no,” Sandy moaned, “She’s going to throw up.”
“THROW UP?” Gary roared, “You mean she’s got BULIMIA?”
“Oh, no,” Sandy reassured him, “She just has the flu.”
[She does not have the flu. She just coughed. Now, if life really was like a movie, sure, if you cough you have the flu and are dead in ten minutes. But she went to the bathroom for a drink of water and SOME FREAKING PEACE AND QUIET. – Ed.]
“The FLU?” Wilma wailed, “I think I have something for that in the medicine cabinet!”
“No, it’s just because she hasn’t been taking her vitamins. She’s been complaining her neck aches too.”
Karen gasped, “Oh, I hope she doesn’t have meningitis!”
The poor kid came back to the table and I asked, “So, is your meningitis acting up, honey?” because I am SUCH a bitch.
This short-term exaggeration explosion was echoed in the rumors that the nephew is moving in with his girlfriend. As it turns out, reality has a much more mundane explanation: if they are still together next summer they are going to move to Chicago together. Given that the nephew has never been on four dates with anyone, I doubt there will be an actual living together crisis. This will comfort the S______ family, in which recently a fourteen-year old was encouraged to marry the boy who got her pregnant.
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Brazil is being reforested, slowly and sparsely. I may have to maintain this. I’m thinking about you, Toe Fetish fans, because I know exhausting it can be to have to go in and re-edit all your sexual fantasies every time someone grows or trims hair. (I’m looking at you, Tom Selleck. You set me back in the ’70s. I wasted a lot of time on you.)
6 responses to “Weekend Update 3”
I think my hubby figured out some way of avoiding the software upload on cd’s. I haven’t encountered it yet, but if and when I do, I’ll go straight to him to fix it.
How did I miss a story about a pregnant 14yo in the S______ family?I’m sorry to be such a disappointment at Conservabration. The real action was in the kitchen and I was too tired (mentally and physically) to participate.
KC – Gary says all you have to do is bring it into Sony’s software, then burn a new CD off that, then you can get it into iTunes. Still, a nuisance.Caroline – a. You were not a disappointment, unless your goal was to turn us all Conservative. b. There is no story other than girl gets pregnant at 14, girl and boy get married and she lives at her mother’s, girl gives birth and transforms from a Whore into a Madonna, then turns 18 and gets a divorce.
Wow. A few coughs and boom….insta-meningitis! Amazing what viruses can do these days.18-year old Whore/Madonna sounds like a walking Lifetime movie.
You know, for all that pain, Brazil really has no business reforresting. I can save you a few bucks and send you an epilady my old neigbor tried to sell in a garage sale.I’m sure he still has it. Yes, I wrote HE.
Epilady? I clutch my crotch in horror.