Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: October 2006

  • Let’s Hear It For The Right Breast!

    So I went in for the follow-up mammogram this morning. First thing that greeted me was an illuminated image of my right boob (that would be Daphne, as opposed to the willful left breast, Diana). In the middle of my pancaked breast was a whitish tangle of lines with a circle drawn around it. About…

  • All About Me. Or: Karen’s Birthday.

    All About Me. Or: Karen’s Birthday.

    “Gary,” I whispered, “do not under any circumstances mention The Lump to your family. It’s Karen’s birthday, and it’s her day.”“Ok.”“Besides, it’s just a lump.”“Ok.”“And I don’t want them praying and then giving the credit to Jesus when it turns out to be nothing.”“Ok.” Because they would. They believe firmly in allying with Jesus for…

  • In Which we are made AWARE

    I had a mammogram about a week and a half ago. At one point the chatty technician looked at the screen and said “Hmm.” I thought, “Hmm what? Hmmm, you say? I’m sorry, did I hear you say, ‘Hmm’?” But I said none of those things, because I knew she wasn’t allowed to discuss. At…

  • Retro Cock

    Retro Cock

    I am sitting here in a cowl-neck sweater (see: High School) and flared jeans (see: Junior High). What is next? Perhaps those pendants that look like Oreos with a bite taken out or apple cores? I was thinking “I am so tuff sitting here in my cowl-neck sweater.” This made me think of the adjective…

  • A Cunning Plan to Scam My Husband Goes Off As Planned

    Gary’s sister Karen’s birthday is this weekend, and we shopped tonight, one of the seven S______ birthday shopping sprees per year. The frustrating thing is that this conversation happens every time. Me: “Oh, cute top.”Gary: “NO! You are supposed to be thinking about [Karen/Mom/Dad/Mr. Wonderful/Sandy/the kids] tonight. We are not shopping for you.” This is…

  • In Which I am Crowned

    I didn’t go to the dentist much as a child, at least not after the day the dentist slapped me because I was wriggling. (I stopped wriggling and glared at him with such venom and singlemindedness he apologized, to which I responded, “I’m telling my mother.”) So, Gary’s first order of business as a new…

  • Guilt-Edged Books

    These books are by my bed waiting to be read. No. Demanding to be read in that passive-aggressive way books have. “Oh, People Magazine tonight, I see.” “Oh, Marley and Me. Well. Sniff. At least it’s hard-bound.” So, perhaps if I make a list they’ll stop throwing THOSE ACCUSING GLANCES AT ME! Stop it! So,…

  • Bad News

    I’ve been reading these posts on people’s reactions to bad news, like here. People I know keep getting bad news. For example, a friend of a friend just had a doctor encourage her with the words “if we can’t stop this swelling, you will die in four to six months.” Now today I found out…

  • Driving

    Today on the highway I was going to change lanes, away from the very slow car in front of me and thus free up all the cars behind me to follow me into the open left lane. I put on my flickers (or directional signals, or whatever you call them). The car behind me saw…

  • Revisionist History

    Favorite Quote: “The man who makes no mistakes never makes anything.” Favorite Moment in History: Neil Armstrong Goes to the Moon and Flubs his First Line. It’s supposed to be “One small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind,” which is all parallel and poetic don’t you know, and he hops on the…