Driving

Today on the highway I was going to change lanes, away from the very slow car in front of me and thus free up all the cars behind me to follow me into the open left lane. I put on my flickers (or directional signals, or whatever you call them). The car behind me saw this as a signal that it needed to pass me on the left, exactly where I had indicated I was headed by my flickers, bastard. Huh, I thought, bastard did not learn to drive in Saint Louis.

As a public service, I present to you what you need to know if you drive in these cities:

Saint Louis
Hey, we’re all friends here. We like to communicate with facial expressions. If you need to get in front of us, just turn around in your seat and look concerned. We’ll wave you in. Pass us on the right. It’s allowed. It’s in the Driver’s Guide (See Passing on the Right.) You don’t need to signal at a four-way stop. We just exchange glances here in the Gateway City and make silent negotiations and let the group decide who goes next. It works well. Other cities do not use this method, i.e.:

Toronto
People in Toronto have “énormes testicules” as the French Catamites might say. I grew my pair when I was forced to drive in Toronto. I was downtown and I needed to change lanes. My desperate attempts to pantomime “I need to change lanes” were futile; no one made eye contact. So I learned, in Toronto you take the corner edge of your bumper and you snuggle it between the bumpers of the nearest two cars in the lane you want. Then you challenge the car behind the outermost corner of your bumper to drive into you as you stubbornly shoulder him out of the way. One I realized this was the Toronto Way, I had great fun making Gary scream after I picked him up later that day.

Dallas
A friend from Saint Louis moved to Dallas and made the mistake of slowing down to let someone merge onto her lane on the highway. She had learned to drive in Saint Louis, and we slow down for the mergers, especially if they are old or teenagers or just look worried. Sometimes this makes the mergers slow down and then there are crashes, but not often. Evidently slowing down for a Dallas driver made my friend’s husband STOMP ON HER FOOT to keep her from getting into an accident. “Julie? This is Dallas! You can’t care about other people.”

Washington, D.C.
The only thing I remember about driving in Washington D.C. is that if you go the wrong way on a one-way street helpful people scream AT YOU and honk. Very verbal, those D.C. people. I was forced to mime “I’m sorry … I’m from Saint Louis.” (Form Arch in air with hands.) I think they were expecting me to hang my head out the window and scream, “I’m SORRY! JEEsus!” and then honk loudly.

Mexico /Hawaii
These people use special codes to communicate with the other drivers. Imagine you are in Mexico. You are driving on a highway behind someone and they put on their left directional signal. Would this mean they are going to change into the left lane. It would in Saint Louis. In Mexico it means, “You are invading my personal space. I suggest your pass me on the left. Go ahead …. pass … it’s fine with me … any time you want …” They are even more laid back in Hawaii. They pass out at 180 mph on a blind curve on a two-lane road on a CLIFF and just stick their arms out of the window and make the “Hang loose” gesture. (If I recall, it’s the rock horns with a little royal wrist flex wave thrown in.)