Let me tell you about my Aunt Rosemary. She’s a fun girl. She had a mastectomy and loves asking people if they can tell which is the fake boob. She recently had lipstick and eyeliner permanently tattooed on. She kisses and tells. She kisses and evaluates and then tells.
“Oh,” you say pleasantly, “your Aunt is a slut.”
No, she is ninety. Ninety years old. Go back and read the above again. I can wait.
Technically, she is my Great-Aunt Rosemary. She doesn’t look ninety. She looks … sixty? Yes, I think whenever people ask her age she looks to see if they have a penis then she flirtatiously asks, “How old do you think I am?” They always say sixty-something, and she always reports this back to my mom. She currently has two boyfriends, (one a sloppy kisser, can’t have that), and then some mystery young man (30-40) who sleeps over at her house and gives her hugs.
She has a hot tub. I don’t have a hot tub. I also don’t have boobs I would flash at my doctor. Of course, she had an excuse: she. just. had. a. (non-mastectomy related) boooooob. job. And of course, you want your doctor’s opinion. If you are Aunt Rosemary, you whip your shirt up and say “Here’s a surprise for you!”
Ninety. Four score and ten. SO if you ever worry about those celebrities who don’t age gracefully, send them to the Harley biker community where my Great-aunt Rosemary lives and … I don’t know, she can screw them.
11 responses to “In Which We Mock Actual Blood Relatives!”
Ugh – this page just got hit as the FOURTH find when searching for “hot penis” on Blogsearchengine.com.
I hear Hot Penis is opening for Fingering Husband’s Rectum at some place frequented by Chuck Berry.
Oh, and your Aunt Rosemary sounds all kinds of awesome.
Aww Catherine! You just started my day with a great big belly laugh. I hear Hot Penis is comprised of Grandma’s Boobs drummer and the keyboard guy from Urination Dry Humping.
Glad I can provide some chuckles from the west coast! and MAN, Chuck Berry SO wants to be in this group.
Now that I think of it…wouldn’t Fingering Husband’s Rectum be opening for Hot Penis?
Hee – I believe you are right! Every group needs a warm-up.
Yes, especially one as big as Hot Penis.
Whoops, I meant to say opening act – every group needs an opening act!
Fingering Husband’s Rectum is opening for Hot Penis, but they had to use the rear entrance. God, I loved BBM.Here’s hoping this scores more hits on blogsearchengine.com.Oh, and I agree with Catherine. Your Aunt Rosemary sounds very cool.
And it only took me 2 hours before it struck me BBM was Brokeback Mountain. A movie that should be treated with respect, damnit, even by drunk women at happy hour.