Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

  • Proof I Have Been on Jenny Craig Too Long

    Proof I Have Been on Jenny Craig Too Long

    I found these when I cleaned out my vegetable crisper: (An interesting trivia aside: those buds on those ‘Taters O’ Death probably contain enough toxins to make someone very very sick.)

  • Dogs and Whispers

    I don’t watch the Dog Whisperer since I followed his advice and my dog decided to ignore me. Everything I know about dogs I learned from my dogs. 1. If a dog is very concerned about you because you are prone on the bed and sobbing about your heartless husband’s treatment of you, said dog…

  • In Which I Embarrass Myself at Dinner

    “…If I had a million dollars, We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner [spoken]But we would eat Kraft Dinner Course we would, we’d just eat more And buy really expensive ketchups with it That’s right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchup. Mmmmmm Mmm” – Barenaked Ladies, “If I Had a Million Dollars” I went out to…

  • I Become My Aunt Rosemary

    A few days ago I put on a top I bought. Gary said: “You aren’t really wearing that out.” “Why wouldn’t I wear this?” “It’s … not good.” “What’s wrong with it?” “It’s too young for you.” “No it’s not. Maybe it’s too young for you.” “Believe me. You look ridiculous.” “You are an idiot.”…

  • In Which We Visit the Crotch Doctor

    Crotch Doctors through the Years: Years 18-35: My first OB-GYN was an affable enough man who told me lies like “one sperm north of the knee can get you pregnant.” What happened to him, you ask, because Ellen we know you are nothing if not faithful complacent. He reacted to my diagnosis with “Well, since…

  • Whine

    (Wine snobs: perpare to condescend.) To my uneducated palate, beer tastes like flowers and wine tastes like stomach acid. (Or, as one philosophical friend ventured, perhaps my stomach acid tastes like wine.) There are some wines I like. Those would be the wines that tastes like Welches grape juice. Mogen David. There’s a wine. I…

  • My Secret Life

    I was thinking of my niece and the massive secrets adults in her life coerced her into keeping. Like her Mom’s secret marriage. The S_______’s assume the proposition that all knowledge is secret. Any information passed from one S_______ to another ends with “of course, don’t tell [enter name of male member of the family]…

  • Big Day

    Big Day

    Saturday was a big long day in which we celebrated our 21st anniversary. This could be an excruciatingly long post, or I could try to go with the post version of the movie montage. —————————————————————————————-Amazingly, we got up at 7:30 to get to the Susan Komen Race for the Cure (or as we did it,…

  • Old News and Notes

    Old News and Notes

    I’m sure I’m not the only kid who wrote notes to a friend in junior high and high school, but I may be the only one who kept them all since 1977. When I turned forty, I decided I was strong enough to take a hard look at who I was at 15. (Evidently, I…

  • Missy Bad.

    I can NOT believe it – as Lucky BWay Girl reminded me (and I thank you) I completely forgot one of the five (count ’em! five!) ways to express affection: Acts of Service. And here I choked on the one Gary loves to do and I love to receive. He is Bongo to my Missy,…