Category: In Which We Mock Ourselves

At O’Hare last night, I was waiting for Gary outside the men’s room. Am airline attendant wheeled up two Swedish people and let the man get up to go to the bathroom. I am assuming they were Swedish, the conversation between the two of them sounded vaguely Swedish. “I go too,” said the woman to…

Well, hello. It appears the Riverfront Times scanned this last month’s worth of posts, and had to go all the way back to late April to find something that was sufficiently family friendly to put in their paper. Well, the family-friendly first few pages of their paper, as opposed to the back of their paper.…

Two genius ideas I had just today: 1) I could bring my power washer into the bathroom and use it to clean the shower. I would just need one of those faucet to hose hookups. According to the first page of Google search, this is a revolutionary new concept. I thought of it first. 2)…

Dear Mr. Cohen, As I was listening to some music on my iPod today at work, I came across your song ‘Take This Waltz.’ “Ah,” I thought, “I like that song.” I listened, and at the end of the song, hit Repeat. The second time through I sighed dreamily and hit Repeat. The third time…

This is pitiful, but sometimes when I hear Gary pretending to be the dog and calling us ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad,’ I have this fantasy: I go to the mall with Gary and we accidentally bump into one of his old girlfriends. This puts him on the spot and he breaks down and confesses that he’s…

I was awakened suddenly this morning by a huge “GRROOONK” sound. “Damn – what was that?” I thought, lying on my side, my eyes shut. Then I exhaled. It occurred to me what the noise might have been. Then I opened my eyes and saw the look of horror on Gary’s face. “What the hell…

At an impressionable age I read this in one of the Little House books: But even better than a balloon was the pig’s tail. Pa skinned it for them carefully, and into the large end he thrust a sharpened stick. Ma opened the front of the cookstove and raked hot coals out into the iron…

Someone on a message board I frequent (actually, the only message board I’ve ever frequented, thankfully, because it is addictive) posted: “I also like to make eye contact with anyone who isn’t white and smile, to show them that I am not racist, all the while probably showing this and making them think otherwise. I…