I visited Gary’s parents on his behalf Sunday, since he was socked in with his bad back.
Gary’s mom took me into the Altar Room (previously Gary’s old bedroom) and poured some Holy Water into a small white spray bottle. She whispered, “Here, spray some of this on Gary’s back. It’s Holy Water and that stuff you spray on cuts and burns -“
“Bactine?” I asked.
“Yes. Spray it on his back and rub it in a little. We’ll be praying for him.”
So an hour later I walked back in to my home, was relieved to find Gary still alive after taking the Vicodin, and I brought in the little spray bottle. Because, Desparate Times Call For God’s Bactine. (That’s their tagline.)
I shook up the bottle. Because you’ve gotta mix that shit up. Shake vigorously before using: you don’t want all Bactine and no Holy Water.
He stopped me before I could spray it on. “Don’t spray that stuff on me. Mom told me about that. It’s some liniment she made.” So, I lost my chance.
I crept up behind him the next day after he showered. I shook it up again, then, I blasted him in the small of the back.
“AIEEE! GOD! WHAT WAS THAT!”
“Stop screaming, ” I laughed, “It was just your mom’s liniment.”
“Don’t spray that on me! I’m going to the doctor today! I don’t want anything that might make me feel different.”
“Oh, be serious. It’s nothing”
“No, it’s like it’s icy hot.”
“You know, it’s bad when the Holy Water burns you.”
He dourly said, “Yeah. Hilarious. You’re hilarious. Wipe off my back.” I wiped him off. “Don’t just hang that towel back up! We can’t use that towel! It’ll get in our eyes.” I thought about making a joke about the Shroud of Turin but I didn’t.
Okay, so that was Sunday. It isn’t right to laugh about it without trying it. I’m going to spray it on myself. Right now. I might chug some.
Later: Mental note: Turn the white bottle around and read the label before you spray it on your wrist and then on your tongue. I assumed it was 50 / 50 Bactine and Holy Water, when actually it was 99% Generic Pain Spray (“a Miracle in Every Bottle!”) and 10% Holy Water. The generic pain reliever is mainly a) Unholy Water b) Isopropyl Alcohol and c) Propelyene Glycol.
However, it might cure my acid reflux.