Category: In Which We Mock Our Husband

There’s something about where Gary attaches his Blackberry to his pants that makes the redial button activate easily. My cell phone’s voice mail frequently records tedious silent messages dialed from Gary’s Blackberry. I’ll have to listen to three solid minutes of Gary driving and listening to NPR, or Gary ordering a smoothie, or Gary walking…

At times Gary will get into a negative state when all he says is a judgment or criticism. This state will last for days until I point out he’s in a negative rant. I can point this out by listing everything he says. One time the list culminated in “the birds in the yard are…

Or: In Which We Contemplate the Irony of Corporate America. Nestles has bought Jenny Craig. Getting us on the front end and on the fat flabby lumpy back end. I have said goodbye to Jenny, two months before my contract expired, because I am sick of them and because I have no willpower. And because…

In a long-term relationship, what we love is what we hate. Gary, FOR EXAMPLE, is from Venus. He talks about his problems, he sniffles at movies, he loves chick lit. He’s also very nurturing and motherly and I love that. However, since he’s a girl, he screams at spiders and makes me do the plumbing.…

Okay. I remember Calvin Trillin wrote about his wife Alice the Economist and her law of Compensatory Cash Flow. (“Any luxury that you consider purchasing but then forgo releases a windfall cash flow that must be spent immediately or it will disappear.”) Gary has applied similar logic to his Dad’s Father’s Day gifts. I asked:…

I usually don’t blog at work, but I need to record the conversation I just had with Libby and Marcia (whose blog is going to be dead to me soon if she doesn’t update it). I said that Gary is shopping for a new car, has turned on the Prius for some reason, and now…

You know they say marriage is hard work. That is crap. I know hard work. (I’ve worked with hard work, hard work is a friend of mine.) If it were hard work, I could do it. If it were work, it’d have a goal, and a deadline, and a set pattern of behavior I could…

I would like to think my dog is housebroken. I would like to think that. It is a lie, but I would like to hold on to that lie. I have only two dog rules: 1) Do not move your bowels inside the house. 2) Do not void your bladder inside the house. I think…

Wilma’s birthday was Saturday (well, was celebrated Saturday; birthdays are celebrated by convenience in their world) and Gary’s been shopping all week for gifts. He claims he needs my help with this. I claim he never listens to me anyway so it is pointless. Plus, I had to Teach Myself High-school and College Chemistry in…