Fake

It’s been four years of wigs now, and really, the wigs are working out for me. Granted, it gets a bit dull during the week, same hair every day no matter the weather, but on the weekends I make a point of exercising the wigs that have been sitting idle. The neighbors see me gardening in a variety of wigs every Saturday and Sunday, especially if the temperature changes.

Because age thinned my eyelashes as well, I thought I’d try fake eyelashes again. I’ve tried them over and over through my life, but they seemed impossible to apply.

Then Facebook seemed intent that I try these cluster lashes, where you apply the lashes in sections. It was futile for the first twenty minutes but then after I made all the mistakes it was a snap.

I mean, it looked utterly inappropriate for my age, sure, but there are many styles and weights, just like with wigs. I promptly ordered some designed for an Asian baby: virtually no density or volume.

I still had the first test pair on and read they will last — even if you sleep in them — for up to two weeks.

No. Not if you sleep on your side.

The left side is fine, but at some point in the night I evidently put my entire body weight on my right eye and smashed the lashes into that erect and upright position. Also, somewhere in my bedding is 2/4ths of that inner eyelash. If you look closely you’ll see the outer quarter is barely hanging on there.

So, that was a failed experiment. I have probably aged out of fake lashes anyway, but still, I hold out great hope for the low-density Asian baby set that’s coming in the mail. They might make me look a bit less like a lizard for the few hours I’m out during opera season. But who knows. My neighbors might see me in full drag queen kit out in the garden.


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