I’ve been going through Mom’s old papers and correspondence. One thing she wrote was called “The Growing Old Part,” and now that I am too growing a little bit older, I read it with interest.
She wrote the below musing to herself in 1984. She was born in 1934, so I guess she was a young chick of 50, which is insane. I believe she retired at 52. She then annotated it again in 1993, when she would be a young retired chick of 59.
The Growing Old Part
How can you keep your children interested in you when you’re old so they’ll look out for you and yet not resent you?
The main thing would be to pay for as many services as you need. Don’t try to save money for your kids after you’re gone. The Corps is a good place to hire people who give services.
Plan regular events that include your children, but are short. Don’t drag the visit out. If you ask them for help or advice — take it. Be interested in what they are doing, but don’t give advice.
Try to involve yourself in activities that include other old people. If you’re in your own home, take the OATS bus to the senior center for lunch.
Try to keep clean. Buy new clothes. Get your hair done. People have to look at you!
Don’t let people see your depression or hear your fears.
If you land in your kid’s home temporarily, keep the door closed. Try to plan long stretches out of the house on the patio or porch. Read, listen to the radio, work puzzles, have the library send books, make one phone call per day. Make a plan for the future – send for material, research where you’re going, immerse yourself in the subject. Even if you never go, you will have something to talk about other than your doctor bills. Do craft work.
If you are forgetful – forget it! Don’t make an issue of it and get upset. Make signs to tell you where things are and keep things there. Keep a notebook and calendar nearby and constantly check it.
If none of this works, kill yourself, but make it look like an accident.
Above dated 7–31–84
Later annotation, dated 9-31-93:
This was written when my mother was so ill. She died in March 1988, and Dan’s mother had been living with us following her leg amputation. Still makes sense, though.
Yes. She is dark. I certainly am glad I had no children who might see me naked or anything that prompted that closed door, whether she saw her Mom naked or her Mother in law saw her naked …
I take her advice though, on the forgetfulness. Not her advice on hiding fears.
4 responses to “Message from Mom beyond the grave”
Some of my mom’s relatives stayed at their house long-term when she was a child, and she was ADAMANT about not living with us when she was old. I am not sure what the exact origin was – whether it was something the relatives did (diarrhea in chamber pots which she had to clean out each morning is the only definite negative thing I’ve heard about, although from indirect mentions it sounds like there was also some interpersonal friction/demands) or whether it was hearing negative comments or frustrations about the “visiting” ones from neighbors/family/whatever and never wanting to have that sort of remark said about her (she is VERY sensitive to that).
It also alters family dynamics to have someone else around, usually; what the family feels comfortable doing around a New Adult is different and it can be a huge disruption to habits and to parenting and to just feeling comfortable in your own home, if you feel like the visiting person is going to judge oddball or low-standards things, so trying to stay out of the way and not apparently observe anything may be the main “stay in your room with the door closed, spend as much time out on the patio as possible” driver, but also yeah, nudity: maybe? Or other stuff?
Specifically *hunting* an interest so you have something to talk about that isn’t your health is brilliant, though! I don’t think people should never talk about how they’re doing (or their fears or distressing things); but also yeah, Down All The Time can get draining. (I have watched the peripheral support system of someone I know sort of… taper… as they spent more and more of their time with people complaining; I do not know how much of that is conscious on the part of other people, and how much of that is just, when a person is subconsciously averse to an activity, then “maybe I’ll have more time next week” just keeps happening in perpetuity. Basically, finding ways to avoid being That Chore Someone Keeps Avoiding for other people does sound really, really clever, albeit selling herself really, really short from how you’ve described her!)
Admitting to forgetfulness, setting up systems to reduce the impacts of it, and then just rolling with it does seem like the best course of action. Brilliant lady. But also yes: don’t hide fears/depression. Sigh.
KC – That sounds like a very bad situation! How old were you when that was going on?
Not sure which… Witnessing peripheral support system erosion: adult (but adults can’t *make* other adults stop shooting themselves in the foot, especially if the other adult is certain their communication strategies are Totally Fine). Visitors who made things weird: childhood. (and relatives staying long-term in-house including diarrhea in a chamber pot: my mom’s childhood)
Fortunately not all three at once! 🙂
KC – I think the diarrhea must have been the most traumatic event. That would be hard to get over.